only WISHFUL THINKING

...

2009-12-16T00:26:00.002+08:00

i need to figure out what is causing me all this distress.

why i'm being such a brat recently, why the slightest things tick me off, and i'm being such a pain in the ass to people i should be pleasant company to.

so let's see...

-i don't like being home alone. i really don't. and i've been left home alone all these past days. i haven't seen my parents since last saturday. i eat my meals here alone. i wake up and there's nobody else around. AND IT SUCKS. i understand really, well it's not like im 12 years old. im capable of being independent, being alone really just doesn't feel good.

-i've been sleeping through my CS130 classes and now its payback time. i hate that i have to stay up probably all night so i'd finish studying for the exam later because i have been ignoring all the lectures since after the 3rd or 4th meeting. but what i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HATE is that i'm not gonna be able to join tomorrow's photo sprinteng'g. AND IT SUCKS.

-i missed the Indakan this year. and while i thought i didn't really want to join after last year's incident and the fact that i'm not really a dancer at heart, i felt so envious watching my orgmates perform, wishing i were there on the stage with them. BECAUSE TRUTH IS, i like performing. :( it's just tragic enough for me that i'm always not good enough to excel in the things i like to do, that's why i never get my break. but really. i like the stage. and it always gets me envious watching people perform onstage. i like the late night practices. i like the rush and the panic and the tension before going out on stage. i like the electricity of giving it all you got on that one shot you have. i like the bliss after exiting the stage knowing you gave all your best and it frickin rocked. and i missed all that. :(

-i missed so many events because i put my academics (read: attendance on my classes) on top priority, only to find out there was nothing to prioritize because i don't have any classes anymore. AND THAT SUCKS.

-OR MAYBE IT'S JUST ME AND HOW I THINK OF THINGS TOO MUCH. i can't even write everything down. hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. find me someone who understands because i don't know how else to deal with this.

time for a breakdown. and i am off to study while the rest of my world dreams.

hay.

2009-12-13T11:38:00.001+08:00

i guess this is where "next time" comes in.

ssshhhhh

2009-12-09T23:38:00.003+08:00

i don't know if this is my fault, or once again i'm just thinking about things too much.

hay.

i don't know if it's reasonable enough to say that my parents don't want me to, that's why i'm not getting involved. but truth is they really don't want me to. but then again, i know that if i insist they won't be able to do anything about it anyway..

but that's not just it.

i'm just recovering from almost a week of being sick. shouldn't that count for the lack of participation in physically strenuous activity?

and still, that's not just it.

i tried to check everything and whenever they needed more people, my schedule wouldn't match. and it's just not like it was before. i just can't seem to easily skive off on classes this time. not when my mom's expecting me to be as GC as she is. and i just won't make any commitment to something i can't guarantee on accomplishing.

or am i just making excuses?

because maybe i still can't deny the fact that there are so many things that happened last year that i really don't want to go back to but keeps coming back now that it's that time of the year again..

I DON'T KNOW. BUT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT IT AND IT'S STRESSING ME OUT AND MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY AND IDONTKNOWWHATEVERELSEEMOTIONICOULDFEELABOUTIT.

GAH. I SHOULD BE SLEEPING.

oops. that wasn't supposed to be in all-caps anymore.

because truth is...

2009-12-01T23:05:00.002+08:00

...all i really need to be okay is to know that you are.

making you happy is the only thing that gets me through. =)

sucks being this busy.

2009-11-30T23:24:00.002+08:00

it's okay. i know things are gonna be like this, and maybe even worse in the days to come.

i guess i just need a little time (and effort perhaps) to adjust to this.

i don't like being this busy. we're both so busy and tired at the end of the day there isn't even time to talk about the things we might have wanted to talk about as we went through the day.

ohwell...

i wish i were sporty. but i don't hate not being sporty and athletic and all because i really am not. it just saddens me that i miss out on a lot because of that.

i miss out on a lot of things anyway.

i dunno.

i just feel like there's so many things i'm missing.

siiiiiiiiigh.

i hate being sick.

i hate hating.

and i hate that i'm hating.

i wish i were asleep.

i wish i were listening to your breathing.

i wish you had your head in my lap right now and i could watch you sleep.

i wish i didn't want so many things that i know i can't have right now.

i really wish i were just asleep.

thank heavens for good music.

for good loud music to comfort me because there's just nobody else around.

no not really. there is somebody around, there are people around. there just aren't anyone left who's not sick of me and my stupid ranting. or maybe not. i just don't want anyone to be sick of me and my stupid ranting.

and just as it goes all the time, i have stopped making sense.

someone punch me in the head. hard enough, 'cause i know i need to sleep.

2009-11-24T21:54:00.001+08:00

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

+++

hay.

i shouldn't be left alone. not even in my room at night. i think and feel crazy things i'm not even sure are real.

hinga na lang muna.

hinga na lang.

2009-11-20T22:12:00.004+08:00

this is not a comeback.

simply a hopeless attempt at trying to empty myself from things i don't want to feel.

if i had a shot at choosing a superpower, i finally know what it is that i want. not original, because i've heard it from my sister before. but heck, why don't i get what she wants for a change.

if i had one superpower i'd want to be in multiple places at one time. i'd be with everyone who's alone and would've been a teeny bit less lonely if my presence were theirs. i'd be on the train home with a friend, somewhere having fun with him, and with my mom trying to make life a bit more pleasant for her. trying to make life a bit more pleasant for all of them.

and i'd also be home stuudying, programming, doing advanced reading, watching Gossip Girl, watching a movie, reading a novel, catching up on sleep, taking a bath, brushing my teeth, popping my stupid pimples, cursing my hair, trying to fix my hair, raiding my closet, earning money, shopping for new clothes, listening to my favorite songs, udpating my music library... and maybe i'd be so occupied i wouldn't even have room for breakdowns.

growing up is such a hard thing. i keep trying and i keep realizing that it only seems to be getting harder and harder. if i could i'd stop time for a moment, then my insignificant breakdowns wouldn't have to matter at all. breakdowns are all i seem to have up my sleeve when things like this get to me. all i do with problems is worry. why can't i just come up with solutions?? why can't i simply think up some time and resource efficient algorithm and implement it to make everyone's life not miserable?? why can't i just grow up and not make the wrong decisions anymore in the first place??

what's the definition of a wrong decision anyway? is it wrong to disappoint someone to make someone else happy? if it's not then why does it hurt like this?

i am immature. and i don't want selfish to add up to that. and my head is hurting and i don't know what i'm saying anymore.

gimme a break. gimme time to breathe then maybe a little *inhale exhale* exercise would do the trick.

or maybe i'd just go and sleep this off.

sit back, relax. sit back, relapse.

2008-04-11T00:38:00.000+08:00

i wish i could say with all honesty that tonight is just a night i could forget, and all i feel right now is not real and just products of my imagination. but no. these tears are real. this pain is real.

i wish i could explain myself but people are already too judgmental. it wouldn't make a difference. i have never told anyone why i skipped school that fateful tuesday on the second week of the first semester of my first year in college. tonight's tears are still the same tears that flooded my pillows all that morning. it hasn't changed. i knew i couldn't change things and so i tried to change the way i see things. but it still doesn't make any difference. things are not gonna change. people are not gonna change.

i will wake up tomorrow, go to school and act like everything's fine. i would smile and i would laugh, and i would seem happy and okay. and i can only hope i wouldn't have to be pretending.

Spread the word.

2008-03-13T17:31:00.001+08:00

A few pages from our Geography1 project. =) Cover, contents, staff page, my article on cultural geography, and the back page. Our magazine had a total of 24 pages, including the cover and the back. I actually stayed in UP with my groupmate until about 8 last night to finish everything including the printing. I live an hour and a half away so that was quite late if you ask me. But it was worth it. I think it went well. =)

And mind you, i'm no emo kid! That was just for the cover. Really. haha =P

bitter + pathetic + lonely = me gone crazy

2008-03-10T20:59:00.000+08:00

i used to be so certain about believing in fate. but i question myself now.

signs. i don't believe in signs anymore. signs are only signs when we want them to be, the rest of the time, they're just plain ordinary everyday coincidences. i mean, if i liked you, and you happened to pick out mine among a bag-full of ID's or randomly pick a number in class which so happened to be pointing to me, i'd probably be smiling all day now and telling myself that it's fate. but if i don't, i wouldn't even care that its always me everytime you have to choose someone randomly. my point is, i've lost faith in asking for signs because in the end, we are still the ones who decide whether they really are signs or not.

i've always thought of myself as a hopeless romantic. i'm idealistic when it comes to thoughts of love. i don't want to be anymore. i'm getting myself nowhere but somewhere i shouldn't even be at this point.

what's the use of believing in fate and destiny and all such things, when at the end of the day it's only the bitter realities that remain?

leche. sampalin niyo nga ako. ang drama ko na naman eh.

:(

nakaw kay Joycie. ;)

2008-03-08T16:18:00.000+08:00

because i am in a complete state of UNinspiration, i shall go waste my time instead of vainly attempting to accomplish any of the tons of academic workload i have for the weekend.

Full name: --> Riela Jae Carreon Sabay
Lesbo name:--> i dunno, pretty much everyone thinks Arjae isn't quite a girl name.
Non-lesbo name:--> Riela =) i think i's very feminine. haha
Unisex name/common name:--> err. Arjae pa rin? haha
Age: --> 17 (not feelin it though. i still feel like an effin immature kid)
Bday: --> February 6, 1991
Bplace:--> Sto. Tomas, Pampanga
Siblings: --> older sis: Ate Ein
School: --> UP Diliman
hair color: --> dark dark brown (with an almost invisible streak of maroon somewhere)

S W E A R - T R U T H F U L L Y
do you like anyone? --> YAH.
do he/she know it? --> well if he's noticed how obvious my friends are, he might.
simple or complicated? --> complicaaaateeeeed.

I N - T H E - P A S T - M O N T H - H A VE - Y OU
bought something? --> a nice little summer dress. =))
Gotten sick?--> hmm. nothing serious really.
Been hugged? --> yeahp
Felt stupid? --> every single day. i'm the epitome of stupid inside my Math53 classroom. haha
Been drunk? --> nah
Missed someone? --> yeeeah
Ate cereal? --> yep
Danced crazy? --> maybe. i dance crazy to keep myself awake on hell nights. haha
Gotten your hair cut? --> i think it must have been more than a month ago.

Can you roll your tongue? --> nope
Can you raise one eyebrow? --> sadly, i can't. i've been practicing, but to no avail. haha
Can you cross your eyes? --> yeah. and look stupid doing it. haha
Do you make your bed daily? --> i think i don't ever do. haha
Do you think you are unique? --> yes.i.do.

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R
Said "I Love you" and mean it? --> yes.^^ i've got my family and friends.=P hahaha
Smoked? --> eew. NEVER.
Waited all night for a phone call? --> hmmm. i don't think so
Sat and looked at the stars? --> i luuurve stargazing. =)

M A N N E R S
Do you swear? --> who doesn't? haha
You cook your own food? --> sometimes, when i'm home alone
You do your own chores? --> yeah, 'xcept for making my bed. haha
You like pepsi or coke? --> they're okay. but i'd rather drink something healthier. =P
You're happy with your hair? --> NO
You own a dog? --> yeep
You spend wisely?--> i hate to admit it but i don't think so. >.<> yeaaah
When u get bored do you call a friend?--> hmm. i usually just sleep or waste time surfing the net when im bored
Are you patient? --> depends on what we're talking about

D O - Y O U - P R E F E R
flowers or angels? --> flowers?
gray or black? --> gray is dull. i'd go for black.
Colored or black and white photos? --> depends on what's on the photo
hook up or love? --> you're asking a self-confessed hopeless romantic here.
sunrise or sunset? --> sunsets.=)
M&Ms or Skittles? --> either =)
staying up late or waking up late? --> staying up late! i hate waking up late >.<> right
having 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends? --> best friends =)
sunshine or rain? --> rain
vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? --> vanilla!
boys or girls? --> boys! hahaha

P E R S O N A L
have a crush on sumone? --> yes i do. haha
kissed sumone in the past month? --> does family and friends count? haha
have u ever wanted to die? --> shamefully, at some point or two maybe
have u ever thought of killing sumone? --> not serious thoughts, at least. haha
got in a fist fight? --> nah. a cat fight maybe? haha but no still
ever been in love? --> maybe
thought about getting married? --> someday =)

T H E - L A S T
person u have hugged: --> my mom i think
person u have kissed/cheeks to cheeks: --> still my mom i guess
person u wanted to punch? --> myself.
movie u watched? --> Juno
person u talked to on the phone? --> my mom.

+++

i am feeling so UNinspired. i feel dull and i feel lifeless. i feel lousy and i feel dumb. i feel empty. i feel bad.

wag maghanap ng kapalit, walang gamot sa ganyang sakit.

2008-03-04T20:58:00.000+08:00

haaaay.

i am not emo because i am not a music genre.

2008-02-29T15:59:00.000+08:00

If you weren't able to catch it's premiere last Tuesday, just watch that clip up there if you still haven't.XD

Now, if you're wondering about this post's title and thinking that maybe that's not the coolest reason to defend you're UN-emo-ness, well that statement did not make much of an impact on me either when i first heard it. While this was the suggestion given to me to fill in the statement "hindi ako emo/emo ako dahil..." , I opted for something like "hindi ako emo dahil masaya ako". And you'd know exactly what that means, right?

But you see, this is how little majority of the people who use this word know. Emotional, emotive, depressed, suicidal, side bangs, skinny jeans, tight shirts, that pretty much makes up the common image that comes to our minds on hearing the word "emo". Truth is, it originally is just a music genre, even if that is not what common knowledge these days leads us to believe.

The word has just evolved so much over the years that it's meaning these days have become quite detached to where it really came from. The term "emo" first came into view during the mid 1980's, with the band Rites of Spring usually being labeled as the first "emo" band. I must admit, i did not know this band until i started doing my own research, and i have not heard any of their songs yet until now. However, i've read enough to know that at that time, they have used the term to refer to the genre of music that was mainly characterized by poetic lyrics deep with emotion and accompanied by hardcore music. Another defining characteristic of the "emo" scene is that it is underground. So if you think Chicosci or Typecast are emo bands, well time to think again.

During that interview for Myxposed, all i knew about emo was what i saw and heard around me. I would admit, i did not know what real emo was at that time. Yeah, i'm such a pop culture freak (IN DENIAL), and what i thought was real emo back then was the kind of person the term referred to, as in the emo kid.

Truth is, i still don't know where the fashion started, because the real emo bands weren't exactly dressed like the emo image today. And i also don't know when people started calling themselves emo. I wouldn't have anything against that, if they only knew when and where the term started. I mean, i myself use the word almost everyday to refer to a bunch of different things, because that really is what the term has turned into. What is wrong is things like these:

"Some say emo is not a type of music. That it is more of a fashion and a way of feeling, hence the emotional. Just recently people have been considering emo to be a genre or music.."

That is a direct quote from the site emo-corner.com. I actually e-mailed them about this asking them to read up on their history. A bit too serious on my part? Maybe, but though the meaning of words like these change, we know that history does not.

I don't want to take things any further now, because i only know so much. so i suggest that if you do want to know more about the real definition of emo, read up, or watch the Myx documentary. =)

and the worst part of it is...

2008-02-19T20:29:00.000+08:00

minsan lang kasi, nakakainis na talaga.

in case you're not aware, there's this little word called LIMITATION.

ang pagiging pasaway, may boundaries pa rin yan. matalino kang tao. sana naman hindi na kailanganin pa ng ibang tao na ipamukha yun sayo diba.

minsan kasi, okay lang. pero minsan, nakakapikon na.

mag-ingat-ingat ka naman sa mga pinagsasabi mo, kahit minsan lang. kasi pati ang pasensya ng tao, may LIMITATION din. hindi naman kasi pwedeng lagi na lang ikaw yung nasusunod. hindi naman pwedeng kung ano yung gusto mo, eh yun na lang palagi. eh sana kung may magandang pinatutunguhan yung pagsunod sa gusto mo diba. eh hello, hindi lang ikaw ang taong involved sa mga sitwasyong tulad nito. kung may maganda-gandang dahilan ka man lang sana eh. eh kaso, napaka walang kwenta ata ng dahilan mo? para sakin lang ha. and i don't need you to prove me wrong. because for crying out loud, how could i be wrong when they all agree with me?! pero sa bagay, kahit kailan naman hindi ka naging mali eh. walang kwenta rin na mangatwiran pa ko sayo, dahil alam ko namang hindi ka rin mawawalan ng ibabanat para ipagtanggol yang sarili mo.

kung wala kang pakialam sa grade, pwes ako meron. hindi ako pumapasok sa school para lang magpakitang-gilas o magyabang o manira ng peace of mind ng ibang tao. alam kong may mga bagay na mas importante kesa sa grade, pero alam ko din na ang pagiging responsable eh mas importante naman kesa sa pagiging makasarili.

and the worst part of it is... no one, not even myself, has the guts to say these things straight to your face.

when it all starts to sink in

2008-02-18T19:29:00.000+08:00

do you wanna know what's bothering me right now? the fact that i don't feel bothered by the things that are supposed to be bothering me. made sense? i think so.

i flunked my math midterms. and i'm not exaggerating this time. i did fail. now i believe my CS12 prof, who said that it's better to come to school for an exam without having studied, than doing so without having slept. the day of my math midterms was my birthday, well not that that has much to do with the failing, and i stayed up all morning studying. and all morning means a little past midnight until i had to take a bath, get dressed for my PE class (which i had to attend before going straight to my math exam) and leave for school. the only sleep i had was about an hour and a half, because i have already started studying after dinner until i really had to give in to drowsiness at around eleven. but despite all the studying and the desperate attempts to cram every little concept and formula and rule and theorem into this pathetic little brain of mine, I STILL FAILED.

but the thing is, i don't think i'm feeling as bad as i've been expecting myself to. which bothers me somehow, seeing as failing your Math53 midterms isn't really what you'd want if you have no plans of shifting from your Math-accursed course. the only thing i'm really worried about is how my mom would react if she finds out about the exam results. i'm actually considering never letting her know. ~~presssuuuuuurre, here we come.~~

haaay. plus there's this Machine Problem we've got for CS12, which was originally due today but out of our prof's generous heart was rescheduled to be submitted by next wednesday. sadly for (and quite irresponsible of) me, i haven't started it yet. well, i've typed the interface, which was just something to be copied out from the given specs, and that's pretty much it. haaay. well, my YM status message right now says "Riela Jae - promises to TRY to start her MP today."

enough said.

P.S. nahihiya daw ako pero ipplug ko na rin anyways. haha. watch MYX! next tuesday. 9:30 pm. XD

after all...

2008-02-11T18:49:00.000+08:00

i know this post is long overdue, because this is supposed to be some sort of birthday post even if my birthday has been 5 days past. thought i'd still do this anyway.

i was almost sleepless the night before my birthday. nah, i wasn't out partying (like i ever do that) or enjoying a slumber party with my friends or waiting for the sunrise or anything fancy like that. i was up STUDYING. whatta nerd. well i would've let the night slip by if it weren't Math53 midterms i had to study for. so much for starting the year with a bang, eh? i actually started it teary-eyed and lips zipped and mind afloat and just hating everything. curses upon me, emo was the word.

but whatever. let's skip to the part where greetings flood my phone and i start to smile again. then i get to school and straight to my aikido class. answered my exam, practiced the technique, reviewed for the following week's midterms, then off to MATH. well, Chem, that is. our math midterms were to be in the room Chem 1100, which i had never been to and was quite clueless as to its exact whereabouts. so alone, i went into the Chemistry pavillion, thinking that it was quite obvious that the room would be there, but alas! what do i find as i walked the entire hallway? people in lab gowns who were walking in and out of laboratories! haha i must have looked really lost and funny there. so i get out and sit on a bench. whatta loner. i text a friend and ask where the room was, then went off to meet with them. had lunch, crammed a little more, reminded my blockmates that it was my birthday, had a load of almost-forgotten-but-very-much-appreciated-nonetheless greetings, then finally went off to the real Chem room. apparently, it was some huge chemistry lecture hall at the end of the AS building. NOT in the pavillion.

now fastforward to the midterm exam itself. i fell asleep for about two minutes. i was zoning out for about five. and i was racking my seemingly dried up brain the rest of the time. after we have submitted our papers, almost everyone around me were quite satisfied with how they did, exclaiming how it was easier than the second long exam (which about 80+% of our class failed), and all things positive. as for me? i missed a couple of numbers, i was entirely clueless about one, and i was just unsure about the rest. i messed up, i know. i actually won't be surprised if i do flunk my math53 class. see, those were the things running through my head when i should have been celebrating another year of my pathetic little life.

no time to brood over lost chances. CS12 exam up next. so off we walked to the ComSci bldg, vented out my frustrations as i walked, and sulked a little more as i waited for my turn in the exam. by the end of the exam (which was pretty easy, seeing as we only had to do the sorting using cards), i was a bit more cheerful again. time to go home, so we walked back to the FC, where we'd take a jeepney to the MRT. while walking however, we stopped to take a snack. fishball+fried siomai=yum! then after eating, some wild energy pumped us up and we felt like going to the isawan, as if we haven't eaten anyhing yet. haha, it was quite a long walk, but we realized that too late. by the time we got there we were all exhausted, thank goodness kenneth was treating us! haha, happy birthday kenneth? 20 sticks of isaw for the 4 of us (me+ayne+nico+kenneth). YUUUMMMM. XD ohwell, that time we were sitting at the pavement of the driveway in front of Kalai was enough to make me feel that turning seventeen wasn't so bad after all. ^^

it was already half past seven when i got home, and surprisingly, my mom didn't get mad. we went to Yellow Cab then for dinner. and that's pretty much it.

not exactly the happy birthday i would have wanted, but good enough i guess. after all, they say seventeen ain't so sweet.

P.S. hope you made it through this post and don't hate me yet for all my emo-ness. well, it happens. will post more non-emo stuff soon. i hope!

here's the real deal.

2008-02-05T18:55:00.000+08:00

i don't want to wish i could go back and change everything, i don't want to have that much regret. but there's just too many things that have already gone wrong, things i want to fix but only ended up with the bitter fact that it's too late to.

i just want to live my life. i just want to be happy. i just want to wake up each day for the right reasons again. i just want to be me. why does it have to be so much more complicated than this?

flickering

2008-01-28T18:43:00.000+08:00

It's 4 a.m. and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
A flickering of all of my mistakes
And as the light starts creeping in
I slowly feel
The day I'm missing
But I wouldn't even know where to begin

Do I push to hard?
Or fall to fast?
The moment never seems to last
Will I stop long enough to know

Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away,
This time

Your words circle in my head
Weigh so heavy on my chest
And I'm crushed by your expectation
I only want to do some good
Too dumb to know if I could
And I just wanna feel the days I'm in

Do I go to far,
Not far enough?
Why can't I keep my big mouth shut?
And do we lead the life that we should?

Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away,
This time

Did I say too much again?
I'm just a girl in a panic
If I tell you my truth
Am I getting through?
It just seems I should confess
Who am I to pretend
This is more than I can carry

Everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt,
I cry
I hold my head up high
I know I'll be alright
This time
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away
This time
This time,
This time
This time,
This time

It's 4 am and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
It's times like these I see your face

my fragile wings are ready to take flight once more

2008-01-27T23:02:00.000+08:00

when you want something to happen, you've got to make it happen. you can't sit around all day wishing for something, but doing nothing else to achieve it. falling may be inevitable, but standing back up is always a choice.

i've had my dreams shattered, i've had my hopes lost. but it's never too late to mend wounds and rise from ashes. there's a phoenix in all of us, and nobody stays on the ground forever after a fall unless he wills it. getting broken and going through pain is a fact of life, it's something we can never run from. it is too easy to say that one should just learn to get over these pains and let them make one stronger, but is not something easily done. i know that. there are just things you can't force yourself to forget, pains you can't make yourself numb to at will. it is not easy. but hope is never completely lost. so long as you see the sun each time you open your eyes, there's always still a chance. not the chance to take back the mistakes and wrong decisions - for those are things you can never take back once done - but the chance to redeem one's self.

it takes time for cuts too deep to heal. it takes time and acceptance and forgiveness. time heals all wounds, because time teaches you to accept the wrong turns you've made in your life and forgive yourself for those. it's something i've learned the hard, yet enlightening, way.

i am a phoenix. i can rise up from the ashes i have buried myself in all these past months. i have set aside the things i loved, the things that made me alive. it's about time i start picking up the pieces of my dreams again. it's about time i bring life back into my life again.

.....

2008-01-21T22:36:00.000+08:00

the world keeps spinning and twisting and turning and going all crazy. I AM DIZZY.

more randomness

2008-01-19T22:51:00.000+08:00

my eyes are tired. my head's aching. my uber short hair's still killing me.

+++

CALCULUS = errrr?!

yan na lang ang masasabi ko tungkol sa exam kanina. 3 hours, 8 numbers, 50 points, nosebleed, brain death. nakakaloka.

+++

pagdating sa bahay, kain ng lunch (mga 3:00 na nun), at direcho nood ng Spring Waltz. buti na lang may Spring Waltz, at naisalba pa ako sa tuluyang pagkabaliw. haha. now i got my mom hooked. heck, i even got my dad watching too. XD ended my marathon at episode 17, dahil mag-e-eleven na nun at maaga pa daw kami bukas.

anyways. i'm gonna go try to do my eng12 exam now. haha as if my brain ain't dead enough.

+++

okay, now off to Genji's insane world.

2:30.

2008-01-18T14:03:00.000+08:00

i swear, i start studying at exactly 2:30.

Math53 second long exam tomorrow. wish me luck. wish me sanity. wish me a passing grade.

swing swing swing

2008-01-16T22:18:00.000+08:00

random thoughts.

+++

so i finally had the guts to attend my PE class this morning. unknown to my mom, i skipped it last week, with the excuse that i had to go to this lecture thing that our NatSci professor required us to. i could have still attended my class, seeing as i could have easily left after writing my name down the registration, but i still chose to listen to this Nobel Prize awardee discuss quarks and atoms and whatnot.

decisions like these are things i just can't deal with. i didn't want to skip my class. same way i didn't want to stay at home and cry all morning that fateful tuesday on the second week of the first semester.

but i have my reasons. reasons the world would not care knowing.

i'm one odd fellow. i know.

+++

*mood swing*

+++

i'm currently on episode 9 of Spring Waltz, and i am loving it. :)) i was never really one to watch a koreanovela in its entirety, but this one just got me. ang galing lang talaga ng story niya. plus all these kilig scenes. ^^ i wanna finish it ASAP, but unfortunately, i haven't got the luxury of time (and of a TV in my room. the DVD won't even play on my sister's laptop so i haven't got the choice but watch it in the living room, which right now, is occupied by my dad). this weekend maybe, when hell calms down a bit and i am done with my eng12 and math exams. i'm psyched! (heck, not for the exams!)

+++

and since i've mentioned it, i might as well go on ranting and rambling about it. the math exam, i mean. 2nd long exam in Math53 this saturday, and boy am i NOT ready. math just makes me feel so dumb these days. even if i never fall asleep during lectures, i still doubt that i'd understand everything my prof says. it's bad enough that our class is scheduled during siesta time, and it's even worse that my brain just seems to shut off the moment i hear of derivatives and implicit differentiations and continuities and whatever else calculus-related. daaaaarn. whatever happened to that 10-year-old girl who used to represent her school on math competitions?

+++

and more of things math53-related. our prof has given us the schedule of our midterm exam. i can't even fathom surviving my 2nd long exam, what more my midterm exam?! aaarrrrrr. >.< it's on a wednesday. i also have a dreaded PE class that day. and i'm guessing it is indeed exam season that week, and my PE prof does give midterm exams. o.o how fortunate! i'm so effin lucky i always end up with a PE prof who enjoys his/her written requirements. welll, the date is sixth of february. rings a bell? dingdingdingdingding, that's actually my seventeenth birthday. sweet, huh?

+++

but let not the evil doings of professors ruin a day i've always looked forward to. i've known myself to be such a sucker for my own birthdays i get excited ages before the day itself, so i'm not gonna hide my excitement and thus, post my birthday wishlist. =P

--a copy of any Jane Austen novel
--RJA cd (which, i hope to the heavens, i can have signed.=D)
--an OPMband album **typecast, urbandub's first album(Birth),rivermaya's latest,any new+good release**
--a day to get my nails done (nail art!) **i only need the day**
--dragonflies! **not the real live creatures, okay. haha** just anything with dragonflies in it. :)
--new earphones!!
--straight hair. hahahahahaha
--PASS MY MIDTERMS!
--lots of greetings =P
--a candle to blow. **haha. make way for the sentimental birthday girl**
--a good book i've never thought of reading
--peace of mind.
--happiness. :|

+++

by the way, i had a haircut this afternoon. twas my mom who wanted it, and i couldn't say no. she wanted my hair real short, and now it is real short. i just pray myself salvation for when i shampoo my hair and lose all the blowdried majesty it possesses today. hahaha

+++

i'm off to bed now. couldn't download episode 9 of Prison Break for some reason, couldn't watch Spring Waltz, couldn't surf the net properly on my virus-invaded desktop. i guess i owe my eyebags this karma.

all hell has broken loose.

2008-01-15T00:58:00.000+08:00

'nuff said.

it doesn't really matter now

2008-01-09T23:11:00.000+08:00

the words just fit so perfectly i couldn't help doing this.

My Interpretation
by Mika

You talk about life, you talk about death,
And everything in between,
Like it's nothing, and the words are easy.
You talk about me, and you talk about you,
And everything I do,
Like it's something, that needs repeating.
I don't need an alibi or for you to realize,
The things we left unsaid,
Are only taking space up in our head.
Make it my fault, win the game
Point the finger, place the blame
It does me up and down,
It doesn't matter now.

[chorus:]
'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say,
Or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense.

The first two weeks turn into ten,
I hold my breath and wonder when it'll happen,
Does it really matter?
If half of what you said is true,
And half of what I didn't do could be different,
Would it make it better?
If we forget the things we know.
Would we have somewhere to go?
The only way is down, I can see that now.

[chorus]

It's really not such a sacrifice

[chorus]

And it don't have to make no sense to you at all,
'Cause this is my interpretation, yeah, yeah, yeah.

over and out

2008-01-09T20:05:00.000+08:00

so has the world turned upside down? or am i only imagining it because nothing's really changed? well, more like you haven't changed.

it's over. me, i'm done with the bitterness. if you really meant everything you've told me these past days, there's nothing i can do about how you feel. just as there was nothing you did about how i felt. your choice is not mine to make. go and be bitter if you wish, there's nothing i can do about that anymore.

gaaawd, d'you even have the slightest idea how much guts and kapal ng mukha it took me to confess everything? so much i probably don't have any left for more confessions and all such drama for the next million years. i'm gonna go live my life now. you go live yours so we can all end up happily ever after. only, not with each other.

let's get real. we were never meant to be.

so this is what letting go feels like...

2008-01-05T16:23:00.000+08:00

well, i can never really say without any doubt that i did fall in love. after all, wasn't i the one who kept insisting how too young i still was? and maybe still am? but this is letting go, i know.

you had to keep me waiting for four long years. would you believe i actually held on for four years? maybe you won't. you wouldn't even believe me when i told you i missed you, when that's probably the most honest thing i have ever told you. maybe the only reason i couldn't get over the tiniest of what we had was the fact that i never had the guts to tell you how i felt. and maybe i still haven't told you how i really felt, but you need not know that anymore. i just needed for you to know that you mattered to me, even if you'd never know just how much.

there's no room for second chances this time. we both are in a different time and situation now, we've both changed and we probably know less about each other now than from where we started. i know you wouldn't want another chance, and neither do i. this is the ending of the fairy tale you started writing the moment you came into my life. this is the ending I choose to write. there may not be a "happily ever after" here, but believe me, i am happy now.

i'll see you again someday. maybe.

"I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen."

2008-01-04T22:28:00.000+08:00

i just finished watching the movie Say Anything. :) and it makes me think that from now on, i only wanna watch movies made before i was born. yes, it was made before i was even born! 1989. :) but it's the best movie yet this year! and, well, the only one i've seen so far. haha

but really, i'm such a sucker for chick flicks and this might be the best one yet. i never really learned how to make proper film reviews so there, straightforward: I JUST LOVED IT. amazing film. :)

+++

and now, on to my MP. o.o

you know i'm such a fool for you...

2008-01-02T20:40:00.000+08:00

you make me wish i could be her. you make me wish i was anybody else, just not me.

why the effin hell do you have to keep coming back? wasn't it enough that you've already broken me to pieces a hundred times before? you are unfair, you have completely forgotten, yet a mere picture of you and words not even addressed to me are still enough to make my eyes misty and my knees weak.

i hate you. i hate you for not knowing that you still make me feel this way.

do you know what made me smile today?

2008-01-02T16:20:00.000+08:00

young John Cusack looks like Shia Laboeuf! or, wait, i think it's more appropriate the other way around. haha let me say that again... Shia Labeouf looks like young John Cusack!

okay that may be a late reaction if you've already had that realization before, but if you haven't, go watch Say Anything. XD it's a 1989 John Cusack movie. =P

yeah yeah i'm watching a movie right now, even as i keep saying that i'm freaking out over my unfinished schoolwork. whatever. haha

hello 2008, please be kinder to me than 2007 was

2008-01-01T22:24:00.000+08:00

whatever happened to starting the year with a bang.

unless freaking out over the unfinished work i left last year is a bang. i'm trying not to panic right now, despite the fact that i still haven't gone halfway through my english12 essays, i haven't read chapter 5 of my geog1 readings, and I HAVEN'T STARTED ON MY MP. i feel so dumb and lousy.

gawd i'm such a nerd.

+++

HAPPY new year, hope you are happy.

rise and shine!

2007-12-29T07:04:00.000+08:00

after four and a half hours of sleep, i'm now up and about and excited as hell. we're going back to Lipa today, and my LS206 family are having our long-awaited class reunion later. and much more to excite me, my sibs barkada are sleeping over at my house tonight. =))

weee. what a way to end the year! i sure hope the rain doesn't go and bug us later, so we can go stargazing. =)

i hope my dad wakes up early. i'm itching to leave for home. XD

+++

this will surely be my last post of the year. i wanted something grand and reminiscent and nostalgic or whatever to grace my blog as i end my 2007, but i never found time for it. hehe. i just hope it's enough to say that this year had been a very meaningful one. i've been through so much downs but it was through these that i found who among the people i am amidst would stick by me no matter what. i've been through my own tough times this year. i'm still trying to stand back up straight again and be stronger and maybe a tad wiser than i was. i made quite a number of wrong decisions, but i faced the consequences and did not turn my back on the things i was responsible for, and i've learned and am still learning. i've gone through big changes, so many endings that left me with memories i'll forever keep, and new beginnings that opened my eyes to the rest of the world.

this year gave me a lot of reasons for pain and tears, yet more for happiness and gratitude. yes, i can never do away with regrets, but i take comfort in knowing that i have another year to try and make the things that went wrong right again, and all the right things maybe even better.

i send out my thank you's to everyone who stuck by me and accepted me for who i am despite of everything that i am. to my parents, to my best friends, to all my friends, to classmates (now and then), to teachers and professors, even to strangers who did the littlest of kindness for me, thank you, you all gave meaning to my 2007. and of course to our Lord God, the biggest THANK YOU of all, for giving me this year, and giving me another one to live for.

have faith, everyone. 2008 might just be it: the year you've been waiting for, been hoping for, been praying for. hang on to your seats, it might be a bumpy ride all right but i'm sure there's a lot in store for all of us. :)

(advance)
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! GOD BLESS US ALL! :)

word for the season: weird.

2007-12-28T09:19:00.000+08:00

Christmas day has come and gone..

it was quite weird this year, because it seemed just like any ordinary day on a vacation. as always, we spent it at Lipa, though we had to travel from Pampanga during the morning.. gave my cousins their gifts once we got home (because they were already there at our house), lunch with them at the big house (it's a name we gave to the house where my cousins stay.^^ my grandma (or my aunt? i dunno) had it built about two or three (?) years ago.), while they were still clad in their pajamas. then back home to get dressed and bake some cookies, then back to the big house. and here's what i think is the weirdest part of the day. we actually spent the late afternoon until night on a Resident Evil marathon. whoever watches Resident Evil films on Christmas Day?! ok we're officially crazy.

i haven't really got much to say about Christmas day this year. which is just odd. o.o

oh well. i'm back in Makati now to start off with my pile of homework. o.o i sure hope everyone else is having a way more interesting and fun Christmas break than i am.

recollections, and new beginnings

2007-12-22T22:57:00.000+08:00

about three months ago, i spent one whole afternoon crying because i have forever lost my digital camera. well, technically i still have it, but seeing as the lens had been stuck and it doesn't work anymore and i can't afford to have it fixed (8k?! wth), i had considered her gone. :(

though i've always wanted one since i can't remember, i never had enough money to buy myself a camera. until my dad won a brand new Picanto on a PMMA Alumni Homecoming raffle draw. yes dear, we won a brand new car. :D couple weeks later, we sold it for cold hard cash, and thus, money for the digicam. :)

i bought Invi (name i gave to my purple digital Ixus i zoom) i think April last year, and she (yeah, she.) was barely over a year old when disaster struck. or more like, when stupidity struck. for some utterly lousy reason, i lost grip of her while we were just whiling away time during a professor-less CS11 class. it could have easily been the stupidest thing anyone can ever do. but hey, it's not like i did it on purpose.

now, why the sudden recollection? well, looks like i've done some good things and i'm getting my reward. :D

two nights ago, while my dad and i were stuck in traffic on our way home, he suddenly remembered a gift some Japanese captain gave him. he said it was a camera and why don't i go check out what we can do with it. that time , i guess we were both assuming that it was just some plain whatever camera, so i went and opened the paperbag my dad pointed out. and to my surprise, TO MY EFFIN SURPRISE, my god it was a Sony Cybershot DSC S700! it was a freakin real digital camera! IT WAS A REAL DIGITAL CAMERA!!!!!

darn if you could only imagine my happiness while opening that box. i was just happy. plain old genuine HAPPINESS. :) i know it was my dad the gift was given to, but spoiled daughter that i am, i've taken it as mine. hahaha. that generous Japanese captain definitely made my day. heck, he made my year!

photoraphy is one of the things i've found genuine interest in, and losing Invi was really depressing. so, thank you GOD! that was some good slap in the face reminding me that you still love me. =) i love you too!

+++

it's such a shame how some friendships don't seem to last for the sole reason of the absence of communication. i have a friend i haven't talked to for about a year now, and i think i miss him.

he was a schoolmate of mine, and we became friends during the regional schools press conference in Rizal last december. the two friends i was with had already gone to bed, one was sick and the other had her contest the next day. i was hardly sleepy at all then, and i guess so was he. and so we kept each other company that night, and spent a good two hours just talking, and stargazing. :) that night was the first time i ever saw a shooting star. when i told him i thought i saw one, he wouldn't believe me. then he suddenly said he saw one too, but i didn't catch that one so i was quite doubtful. but a few minutes later, down came that shooting star that we both saw. so we finally believed each other, and then watched out for more. for the next two hours, i saw four more streaks of light pass the sky in a majestic split-second. :)

all that time we were gazing up the sky, we never ran out of things to talk about. i guess somehow i was able to catch up with his straight english and talk back in english as well, like i've never really done in casual conversation before. i remember how he had such mature opinions about things, he knows a lot and has travelled quite well; he's a bit weird but he's a really smart kid. he was only 12 years old. ^^

we used to text each other back then, until he said his mom confiscated his cellphone. after that we've never been in touch yet. i'm gonna find a way to greet him Merry Christmas. :)

+++

2 days to Christmas! :) i hope we're all happy. :)

just thoughts.

2007-12-21T10:40:00.001+08:00

right now, listening to: Yule Shoot Your Eyes Out, by Fall Out Boy --on repeat. :)

ok. before anything else, just how stupid am i? i couldn't figure out how to disable the cross-posting from Blogger in my Multiply account, and i even had to ask someone who hasn't even been using this feature. darn, andun lang pala siya sa settings. haha. stupid me.

since we're talking about Multiply, i'd go on a bit about that now. i also blog on my Multiply site, in fact, that must have been reason why i abandoned this blog. and about that cross-posting thing, well i decided i don't want same posts on my two blogs anymore. i can't find any logical explanation for this (i know it's just time-consuming and repetitive to write about the same thing differently on two different blogs) but that's what i want. XP and besides, i have the choice of keeping my Multiply blog inactive anyway.

so there. what's the big deal with blogs anyways??

+++

saw the video for "I'm Like A Lawyer..." twice on TV this morning, first on channel V then on MTV a few minutes later. it still gave me chills, like it always has. you can watch it from their site, or YouTube of course. it's just amazing. i mean, how many rock bands go to Africa to shoot a video to inspire change? Fall Out Boy is just <3.

*curse blogger!!!!!!!!! i actually lost a hundred-word paragraph because of that less-than sign up there. tsk. now i dun wanna write it again.*

+++

things are always easier said than done, right? it's so much easier to be the one giving advice than to be the one needing the advice. it's so much easier thinking of what you should do when a certain thing happens, but it just seems impossible to actually do it when you find yourself there. life's a complicated thing. we're always expecting the unexpected, but still get knocked off our feet when it comes.

drumroll please.

2007-12-20T22:36:00.000+08:00

all things come to an end. yet still, some start anew.

it's been four months since my last post here, and that last post was actually a declaration of this blog's extinction (as you might see down there). so what exactly am i doing here?

well, i don't know either. i guess i've grown out of my Multiply hype and found my way back here, or maybe i just, again, wanted a safer place for my weird, sometimes almost senseless, sentiments (seeing as i've actually chnaged my URL). for whatever reason it is, let's just let things be. so, cheers to the (nth) rebirth of my blogspot blog!

+++

well, let's kick things off then. school's over for year 2007. and there could have been no better end for the year in UP than what yesterday had been. though my day started out all horrible (what with failing a written PE exam and all), i think the misfortunes ended there. the rest of the day was just great. spent it with the best of friends college life could ever give me, and did loads of stuff i know i never would have done on an ordinary day. say, walk around the entire acad oval (2.2 kilometers!) for no apparent reason. haha! plus, one of my big UP dreams had been fulfilled last night. haha, now don't expect too much here. it's just that the first time i saw the campus at night (after the Harry Potter quiz bee Homer and i joined), i said that i think it would really be interesting to walk around there during the night. someday, i told myself. and well, since the lantern parade didn't end until it was dark, last night i had the chance. :) though it was completely different from the quiet scene i saw before, with all the people walking around too, there was still that euphoric feeling to it. i am definitely in love with UP. XD

and as i've mentioned, we watched the ever famous lantern parade. :) i hated being a freshie and being quite clueless as to how things would go, but i got over it eventually and we enjoyed it a lot. i think it was something apart from the lanterns that we enjoyed more, though. right, debs? haha. after the parade, there was this spectacular fireworks display. grand, i tell you. it's probably the best i've seen yet. i bet that's why there's all this TOFI and stuff, they've been using up the funds for the fireworks! haha. but well, my sister told me the fireworks are usually donated by fraternities. so there. no TOFI issues here ok? haha

post-fireworks, everything was just at a high. well, at least I was. haha. imagine, i actually walked along half the University Avenue backwards. insane. you probably won't be able to imagine just how weird and hyper i was that time. haha. anyways, we then had dinner at Greenwich Philcoa, Homer's treat! wee, thanks Homie! heehee. met up with my sister there (who also got a taste of Homer's generosity.=P), then finally off home afterwards.

i just loved that day. i love my school. i love my friends. :) my last day of the year in UP couldn't have possibly been better than that.

+++

Christmas break!!!! =D yey, no FX-MRT-jeep and jeep-MRT-LRT-jeep rides for two weeks. woohoo! haha. lots of holiday work, though. o.o i've got my CS12 MP, ENg12 Ramayana exam, and Geog1 group reporting to prepare for. no, scratch that last one, we'd most likely be staring that next year anyways. haha.

can hardly feel the Christmas spirit everywhere yet. but the presents excite me. heehee. anything's good, but i need cash! My Chemical Romance and Incubus concerts next year! plus rumors of Maroon 5 too? someone give me confirmation please! :) the FOB concert had been the best night of my life, and another best night of my life ain't gonna hurt one bit. XD

+++

and lastly, but in no way of the least, something for my sibs! after all, it was mostly because of that tag of yours mia that this blog is alive again. haha! well, we all definitely have to see each other this Christmas break. i've been itching to share lots of chika. like, i was actually able to spend lunch with *hot-guy-with-mohawk-hair-and-eyebrow-ring* once. though he's not *mohawk-plus-eyebrow-ring-guy* anymore. but hot guy still. haha. and a lot of emo/HR drama!!!

see you all soon, okay?! =D

+++

i've got this midnight bottle, gonna ease my pain
from all these feelings driving me insane...
(midnight bottle, colbie caillat)

cheers.

bye bye Blogger.

2007-08-06T18:24:00.000+08:00

this blog, is dead. :(

maybe it'll reincarnate when the flames light up again. as of the moment, they're dead as well.

this darkness was never yours to bear

2007-08-04T13:22:00.000+08:00

"Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? ...When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows. Swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?" -Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

How do you run away from the darkness that was never your choice to be in? That you had done nothing to be in? Bitter truth: you can't.

The tears, the pain, the helplessness, it all amounts to this darkness i just could not run from. People pretend to understand, but they don't. Because they never had to go through this. They think it's all to trivial to even worry about. But they don't know. They don't know how it just kills me from the inside, knowing this might never end, knowing this might never go away. I'm tired of seeing hateful eyes, searching around and trying to find me. I'm tired of having to cry alone, having to hide everything, when everyone knows. No one thinks they know, because they don't think that it's what's taking all the life out of me. Because they don't know what it's like to be me.

Life just seems unreal already. I get past each day and wonder how i do. I wish i could just not have to wake up and face it all again. But i do wake up each morning, and I tell myself that it's just another day, and maybe when it's over it wouldn't have to matter. But i don't now if this will be over. I don't know.

If it doesn't matter, if people didn't care, then why should i be feeling like this? Why should i suffer like this? This was never my fault. This was never my choice. I had done nothing to be the one to stand in this place. But people care too much in the dark sense of the word that i just can't stop my world from falling apart like it does.

How do you run away from the darkness that was never your choice to be in? That you had done nothing to be in? Bitter truth: you can't.

in vague words and empty tears

2007-07-31T15:51:00.000+08:00

if tears made so much of a difference, my life would probably too perfect already. but whatever. i've learned that crying doesn't always ease anything.

i feel like such a mess. the photos make everything look so damn perfect. as if nothing's wrong, as if everything's more than alright. but such lies the fake smiles hide. i've been lying too much already by trying to act as if everything's fine.

if people knew what it's like to be in my place, then maybe they all wouldn't be too quick to judge. if people only knew all that i have to go through, all that i have to endure, every single day, then maybe they wouldn't make it this hard for me. everyone else thinks it's too easy. but that's because "everyone else" never had to be bothered by what i feel is ruining my life.

it scares me because i don't know up to how far this can go affecting my life. i'm scared because right now, i'm finding it so hard to believe. i just don't know who lies and who doesn't anymore. i don't know which of the things i see and hear is just my paranoia or if it really is real. i wish people wouldn't lie, but i don't want to hear the truth from them either. but, i do know the truth. only, it's not something that's so easy to accept.

i wish i could just explain myself. i wish i could just make everyone understand. i wish this could all just go away. and that's the worst part of it all. there just seems to be nothing i can do to make this go away, and i just can't tell anyone, even the people who might really care, all the reasons why. :'(

+++

|| sorry. i really just had to let that out >.< ||

just because i think this is the best song ever written, as of the moment. haha

2007-07-30T20:03:00.000+08:00

Hum Hallelujah
Fall Out Boy

It's all a game of this or that, now versus then
better off against worse for wear
And you’re just someone who knows someone who knows someone I once knew
And I just want to be a part of this

The road outside my house is paved with good intentions
Hired a construction crew, 'cause it's hell on the engine
You are the dreamer and we are the dream.
I could write it better than you ever felt it.

So hum hallelujah,
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
But it was just how you looked in the light.
A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

My words are my faith to hell with our good name.
A remix of your guts-your insides X-rayed
And one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster
we're a bull, your ears are just a china shop

I love you in the same way, there's a chapel in a hospital
One foot in your bedroom and one foot out the door
Sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills.
I could write it better than you ever felt it.

So hum hallelujah,
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
But it was just how you looked in the light.
A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu...
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu...
(Hum hallelujah (Hum hallelujah), hum hallelujah (Hum hallelujah))

A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

So hum hallelujah,
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
But it was just how you looked in the light.
A teenage vow in a parking lot (Hum hallelujah)
"Till tonight do us part"
Love in a parking lot (Hum hallelujah)
"Till tonight do us part"
A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

+++

i've had this on repeat in my iPod since last week. can't get enough of it! :))

the hardest part is trying to keep it from everyone but doing it all in vain

2007-07-26T15:29:00.000+08:00

i don't know how much more i can take. and how much more the world can take.

things are not always what they seem. but no one believes me even if i say that this was never my fault. :'(

all you have to do is change all the "him's" to "her's" to get what i mean

2007-07-25T14:22:00.000+08:00

Learning To Fall
Boys Like Girls

Today is the day
The worst day of my life
You're so content it hurts me
I don't know why
The cost of misery
Is at an all time high
I keep it hidden
Close to the surface in sight

I'm learning to fall
I can't hardly breathe
When I'm going down don't worry about me
Don't try this at home
You said you don't see
I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me

Could you be with him?
Or was it just a lie?
He doesn't catch you like I do
And you don't know why
You change your clothes and your hair
But I can't change your mind
Oh, I'm uninvited
So unrequited now

I'm learning to fall
I can't hardly breathe
When I'm going down don't worry about me
Don't try this at home
You said you don't see
I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me

Words screaming in my head
Why did you leave?
And I can't stop dreaming
Watching you and him
When it should have been
It should have been me

Today is the day
The worst day of my life

I'm learning to fall
I can't hardly breathe
When I'm going down don't worry about me
Don't try this at home
You said you don't see
I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me

Whoa (I'm learning to fall, I can't hardly breathe)
(I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me)
Tell me that you know, it should have been me)
Whoa (Don't try this at home, You said you don't see)
I don't want to know that you know, it should've been me
Whoa (I'm learning to fall, I can't hardly breathe)
(I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me)
Tell me that you know, it should have been me
Whoa (Don't try this at home, You said you don't see)
I don't want to know that you know, it should've been me

- - - - - - - -

i could be singing the truth right in front of you, and you wouldn't even care.

Nox!

2007-07-22T16:48:00.000+08:00

It still seems hard to grasp the fact that it really is over. After months of waiting, in less than 24 hours I have come to meet the end of a decade's worth of J.K.'s utter brilliance.

*SPOILER ALERT! HUGE spoilers ahead. Stop reading NOW if you’re no marshmallow kid*

I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly hallows this afternoon, the seventh and final book of the series. I was practically crying half the time that I was reading. If you've been as addicted to the series as much as I've been, you'd understand just how emotional you could really get. . .

*SPOILER ALERT AGAIN! you can't blame me now if this blog post spoils everything for you. I WARNED YOU!!!!*

..

..

*I'm about to say all I could think of right now about the book. And the words that follow say much about most of the key events. So spare yourself the disappointment if you haven't read the book and are planning to do so. Don't blame me if I spoil it for you, I WARNED YOU!*

..

..

Severus Snape. He had been Dumbledore's man after all. Almost hard to believe, but after finding out the truth, it's hard not to feel sorry for him. He had redeemed himself in the end. Despite all the cruelty he showed Harry, you won't be able to deny after knowing the truth that he's got heart. And that's where it all lies. Because all along, and surprisingly enough, he had been truly in love with Lily Evans. And such great love it was for her that had risked everything to make sure she did not die in vain. Well, who would've imagine he cared about Harry after all. . . I don't hate Snape anymore. I am thisclose to loving his character.

Then there's Dumbledore. He really is dead. But a great part of the book revolved around him, his past, and all the secrets he kept. It was a bit disappointing, discovering the truth's he had kept hushed about his past. All these chocolate frog cards pronouncing his famous defeat of Grindelwald, who turns out to be his ex best friend?! Wow. Never saw that coming. Imagine if Ariana never died and he pursued his plans with Grindelwald. He'd be a far greater dark wizard than Voldemort could ever dream of!. but people do change, and damn good thing he did!

Then there's R.A.B.. Finding out about him was not as exciting or shocking as the other revelations. No gasps of surprise there. Who else could it have been. The rumors in the internet were all correct. But the story of how he came to be in possesion of the real horcrux, that was brilliant! Who knew there was still so much more to Kreacher than meets the eye? "Kreacher's Tale" has got to be one of my favorite chapters!

So there's Kreacher. No matter how UNlovable he proved himself to be in the previous book, he made up for it in this one. Though the part he played in Sirius' death is still hard to forget, at least now I understand how he could have done that. And the service he had rendered Harry had been crucial in Harry's mission. I don't know if Harry would have been able to do everything he had to without Kreacher. And I loved the part when he led the house-elves against Voldemort during the battle at Hogwarts! It really shows that house-elves have got as much sensitivity as humans. But that made me wish Dobby was still there. :(

And on to the numerous deaths. Dobby'’s death really drove me to tears. :( JK's just so good with words it's as if everything's just real. Including the pain and the grief for all the losses. And I remembered how Harry asked Dobby a favor, never to try and save his life again for he might just put him in more danger. But Dobby was able to redeem himself, and even if it had to involve him sacrificing his own life just for the safety of Harry and the rest. Aaaw I love Dobby. . .

There are more great losses. . Mad-eye Moody, who died early on in the book, murdered by Voldemort himself. Mundungus could have died instead! But well, that would mean Harry might have never found the locket. But until the later chapters, I was still clinging to some sort of belief that Mad-eye was still alive, seeing as they never found his body. But as the battle started, I knew he would be there if he had not gone somewhere he could never return from. He really had died. :(

Also at the same incident where Mad-eye had died, so did Hedwig. :( That must have been quite a blow to Harry. Well, it was to me. even though Hedwig had not been human, I'm sure Harry considered her such a great and dependable friend. And it seemed all too early for her to leave. But I doubt Harry would have needed her for letters later on, sending post by owl would have definitely given them away. . . but still. . .

Then more tragic deaths during the battle at Hogwarts. . .

Fred! I cried so much in this too. How could Fred Weasley be dead? But that leads me to asking, how could they all be dead? But I guess that’s just how it has to be. The deaths seem to add a sense of reality into things. But each one was painful nonetheless. How could there be a George without a Fred?? They were just too brilliant!

Then there are Tonks and Lupin. :( If I were Harry, I'd probably feel worst about this, knowing they had left a baby boy, who would grow up never knowing his parents, just as he himself never did. But there's no point in blaming Harry, it was never his fault that people had to die. And it seemed Teddy Tonks grew up quite brightly anyways.

I remember Colin Creevey too – and all the underage wizards who shed their blood on that battle. They just seem too young, to have died for that purpose. Shameful Death Eaters.

And of course, the most important death of all, VOLDEMORT's. And amazingly enough, JK had come up with a way for Harry not to die. Personally, I think the end was quite anticlimactic. I was all-out in my crying as Harry made his way through to the forbidden forest, to face Voldemort, to face the end, to face his own death. I knew it was how it was supposed to be. I knew he was really going to have to give up his life. And as he stood there before Voldemort, ready to embrace his fate, I was just about as ready as he was. I was preparing myself for this final blow. For Harry Potter's death. And so he died, and I was crying my heart out for his courage, for his unsurmountable sacrifice. Yet as I read on, it seems he hadn't died after all! Yes, the relief after finding out only the part of Voldemort's soul that had been inside him had been destroyed, and not his, was just immense. But the events that followed, aaah I didn't like it much. As Voldemort told everyone lies about Harry's supposed death, as the battle showed signs of erupting again, and how he just lay there, pretending to be dead, to be unaware, to be unfeeling. But I guess he had to wait for the right time. And come it does. Their final battle did arrive. That final face off made up for the teeny bit of disappointment I felt. How Voldemort was losing, how his defenses were crumbling, how he was starting to feel fear, how Harry had taken over, it was remarkable! And all the sudden realizations about the Elder Wand, about Draco, about Harry being the master of death! WOW. I really can't imagine how JK comes up with these stuff! Well, so of course, in the end, good reigns over evil. Voldemort dies at last.

Then comes the ending. The conclusion of it all. The time to end not just a chapter, but everything. I'm a sucker for tragic endings, and I can't help but admit I had this minute feeling of dismay that somehow, everything still ended perfectly happy. From the start, I've always wanted the ending to be that Harry had to die to to conquer Voldemort, and they'd both be gone in the end. And then I'’d probably be spending days afterwards crying and brooding over such tragedies. But I guess that was too predictable. And 'predictable' is not exactly very 'JK Rowling'. But I liked the ending nonetheless. I was always for the Harry-Ginny, Ron-Hermione loveteams. Haha!

Well, Cheers for JK! Through all the action, mystery, tragedy, and the frenzy of emotion, there was always the lesson embedded in all that happened. The blindness greed and selfishness could cause to someone who had too much of it, the real value of true friendship and family, the real measure of courage, and the avantage of the pure souls of the good over the maimed, tainted ones of the evil.

Haaay. It really is over. No more waiting in line for the next book. No more book reservations five months before the release date. No more theories and rumors about mysterious characters and events. . . But no, it ain't goodbye for Harry Potter. JK's genius will be remembered for generations to come. I'll keep my books safe and make sure of that! ^^

too excited i can't even think of a decent title

2007-07-14T20:01:00.000+08:00

Unbelievable. FALL OUT BOY will be playing at The Big Dome on September 21. FOR REAL.

The excitement alone is enough to rid me of sanity! It just seems too good to be true...

I've loved Fall Out Boy since i was in 4th year highschool. Not that long, i know. But they're really addictive! I love them, not just because i want to ride along with the bandwagon, but because they're one hell of a talented band. I've always admired Pete for his songwriting, and his sincerity. If you check out their site and see the q&a part, you might understand why he just amazes me. There are questions there that are totally unrelated to the band, even those asking for advice regarding their own personal problems, but he still answers them. And darn he's good. And it doesn't hurt too that he's just soo hot. Hahahaha

I just admire them. The music they make, everything! I really have to go and watch the concert. I just have to figure out a way to conjure up funds for my ticket, by the 18th of July. :| Haha.

Gawd the excitement's killing me!!!!

because the song says everything i can't ever tell you.

2007-07-12T16:12:00.000+08:00

IRIS
by The Goo Goo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am...
I just want you to know who i am....

feeling sleepy and wide awake at the same time

2007-07-08T20:48:00.000+08:00

haaay. had quite a long day today...

nakakapagod. after mass this morning in Lipa, we went back here in Makati. had lunch here at the condo then went to MoA. we were there all afternoon, and it was exhaaauusting. pero enjoy din naman.

i forgot my cellphone at home so i had no choice but to stay with my sister and my cousin. (anyways if i had a choice i'd still be staying with them naman. haha). we were just looking around when we had this sudden craving for Quickly, so we went and looked for a directory. unfortunately, wala siya sa directory, but we guessed that it must be in the foodcourt, just like in other malls. so we made our way to the foodcourt, and yay! even before reaching the foodcourt, we found the Quickly kiosk. :) near the kiosk, there was this stage and a band set-up. then we noticed from the signs that there was a show at 5 pm, someone called joaqui, promoting his album called The Jazzanova Project. only after a few seconds of looking at his huge posters does my sister realize that she actually knows this guy - who's in the same college she graduated from. then i, too, suddenly realize that i know this guy. well not exactly know, as in know personally, i just know him because he was in this sort of mini-movie during our FOP, and after seeing that i said to myself i want to see this guy in person. ayun. wala lang. so we ended up watching him perform, and even buying his CD and having it signed, and i even had my picture taken with him. haha. what a weird moment (especially for my sister. haha love yah sis! XD). really, you should be able to guess by now why i just couldn't help going through all the bother and the weirdness of it all. haha. =P (later on when i get home, actually just a few minutes ago, i find out that he's some kind of a celebrity nga pala talaga. haha)

anyways. after that, we went to meet our parents at the Hypermarket, where things start to get a little complicated. my tito, who was with us, was lost (read: he knows where he is but we don't). what complicates things is that his cellphone ran out of battery and we couldn't contact him. so we spent the rest of the evening in MoA looking for him. well, to cut the long story short, he went back here to the condo thinking we had left him, while we were still there at the mall looking for him. haha. anyways, after we were reunited (haha parang ang tagal nawala ano?), we went to this Seaside place along macapagal avenue for dinner. and i had lots to eat! super! haha, and got myself drunk on 7-up. haha. softdrinks like sprite and 7-up just has this weird effect on me, whether its just psychological or what, basta weird. hehe. wala lang. after dinner we bought some dvd's before we finally went home.

when i got home, first thing i did was turn on the computer and install the contents of my CS11 Java toolkit. i was planning to study a little Java tonight but changed my mind and thought i ought to focus on Philo11 first, sa tuesday pa naman ang CS11. i've already studied for philo yesterday, but i still haven't mastered the 9 rules of inference, so i'll continue memorizing after this. ewan ko, i'm still just not in the mood yet. :|

atleast, i can concentrate very well on studying, as my roommates are all out clubbing, or whatever they're up to right now. hehe.

however, may conflict pa din kasi i just bough dvd's of the 3rd season of Lost and 4th season of One Tree Hill. baka ma-tempt ako manood! haha. or baka sumoundtrip na lang ako at magpaka-jazzanova mode. haha

ohwell. this blogpost is going nowhere! tama na nga. haha. i'm forgetting how sleepy i get during philo11 even when i have enough sleep. pano pa kaya niyan bukas? i mean, mamaya? haha i wish me luck!

From 3 minutes...

2007-07-01T12:18:00.000+08:00

...to 3 hours, to 3 days...
and it seems all in such a sudden that 3 weeks have already come to pass.

The first 3 weeks of my college life have gone by almost unnoticeably; yet as I look back, I realize just how much has already happened.

In just these 3 weeks, I have found comfort, friendship, and happiness in my block, G12 -- something I was so scared I'd never find in college. But what with the same schedule of classes and a diverse mix of personalities that don't clash but blend so well together, something this good really is inevitable. =) I can't help but think to myself that I'm just so lucky having these people around. They make waiting for professors who never come and walking miles to the next class all so much fun! There's really no one else I'd rather share mango shakes and TriNoma trips when profs don't show with. =)

It also seems unbelievable that I've found friends who I already feel like I've known forever, when in reality we've just known each other for about a dozen days. Though I'm missing my high school barkada (sibs!!) so much, having my new friends around just makes everything so much easier. Finding people who would understand you perfectly, and accept you no matter what imperfections you have, is not something that happens everyday. And I'm glad that I had woken up one morning to that day. =)

+++

Of all the days that had passed, last Tuesday (June 26) was probably the best I had yet. That morning, we spent a couple of hours inside the ComSci building, waiting for our CS11 prof, who never showed up. Another episode of g12 bonding moments, new issues, emo soundtripping and camwhoring. Haha. Then, in a spur of the moment decision, the next thing we knew we were on our way to TriNoma. Haha. We had lunch there and went to Timezone afterwards, and made it back to UP in time (even early!) for our 1pm Math17 class.

And thought it had already seemed to be a long day, after Math17, we knew that the day was really just starting. ^^

One thing I've been really excited about college was the concerts and gigs where I wouldn't have to pay a hundred and fifty bucks just to watch a single band (just like it was back in Lipa). Well, dream come true. Haha. That night, I, along with several g12 buddies, went to Overheat, the Eng'g Opening Week Fashion Show/Street Dance Competition/CONCERT! We were able to watch 6 bands in all, for just Php20! Saya saya. Haha! Plus it was fun watching the fashion show, especially the models from our department. Hahahaha! =P Anyways, first band that played was Itchyworms, we were in the front row and we really got hyper while they played. JJ mode? Haha jumping jologs! But it was really fun, I loved it when they played Loveteam. =D Then next band was Imago, one of my super duper favorite bands. Aia remains to this day my musical hero. Haha. =P But they didn't play any of my favorite songs off their album *sigh*. They were still great though. =) Next was a surprise band, the band's name was Shirley. While they were playing, my sister texted me and told me Klara (her orgmate, who also happens to be very close to the band Silent Sanctuary. ^^) had something to give me, so we left our places to meet her. Weee, she gave me a signed poster of Silent Sanct.(complete signatures from all the members, with my name on it!) =D We were also able to have a picture taken with Anjo, Silent Sanct's cellist. When we got back to our places, it was the band Aizo on stage (surprise band again). Loved Barkada Trip. =) At ang galing ng drummer nila. Amazing. Hehe. Then finally, it was Silent Sanctuary's turn to play. =) And guess what, they played all the songs we wanted!! Ikaw Lamang, Rebound, Pink 5ive(loved this!), and Kundiman. Grabe, ang galing galing nila. ^^ And as if we weren't happy enough, the band greeted us! As in specifically us, our block, g12! I super love them already! =D After their set, next and last band was Callalily. Masasabi ko lang: parang bangag si Kian. Haha. After they played, the winners for the different contests were announced. Our block's photo won the wackiest photo contest, and we all have Trinoma movie tickets for that. (even though I wasn't there when the photo was taken) =) Winner for the best male model and best group model also went to our department (go ComSci!). =D

+++

After 3 weeks, I guess I can safely say that I'm almost over the culture shock from this new lifestyle. Adjusting to the Manila/U.P. life was very far from easy. Having to travel for one and a half hours each morning, walking under the sun for miles each afternoon, encountering all sorts of people each day, it was nothing like what I've gotten used to while I lived in Lipa. But lately, I don’t really take notice of these things anymore. The trip home doesn't seem that exhausting anymore, even the distance of the ComSci Building to Melchor or Vinzon's Hall doesn't seem very long anymore. Plus, I've gotten my normal apettite back. =) (if you're one of the people I spend lunchbreaks with, you'd know how happy I am about this. hehe). I've already lost about 10 lbs. since school started, and I'm now intent on gaining it back. Just to show you people, I am not anorexic! Haha! =P

+++

Something else very unforgettable happened within the past 3 weeks -- just this friday actually. But not just because it's unforgettable doesn't mean it's good! And yeah, it definitely is not good. Just before we went home last Friday, Ayne and i went to the comfort room at Vinzon's Hall (we were waiting for the jeepney outside vinzon's). Nothing much about that, well, or so i thought. So fastforward to when i got home already. While i was just idling around at home, i suddenly remembered the brown envelope i was carrying that day, and the bad part is that i don't remember holding it anymore on our way home. And the worse part? It contained my Math17 survival kit, my Eng11 readings, my CS11 Java toolkit, and my FORM5! And what's the worst? I tried looking for it at home, until i realized that i left it at the CR in Vinzon's! I would have rushed back to UP, if only i weren't a jeepney, a train, another train, and another jeepney ride away! I can only hope someone found it and surrendered it somewhere and did not think of throwing it away. Wala pa naman akong ni isang copy ng form5 ko. =( haaaaaay. Talk about patangahan. hahahahaha

+++

14
Silent Sanctuary

...Ikaw lang ang nais kong makasama
Wala na kong gusto pang balikan
Kahit ako’y papiliin ikaw ay umasa
Gusto kong makapiling

Sige na, tahan na
Dahil mahal naman kita
Ikaw lang kasi
Maniwala ka...

...If I had someone who'd sing this to me, darn I could die already >.< I miss being such an HR. haha

+++

The past 3 weeks had been a rollercoaster ride of unexpected twists that just knocked me off my feet, and expected turns that still surprised me all the same. Good thing I have wonderful people to share the ride with, keeping me on my seat no matter how dizzying it all gets. ^^

days 1, 2, and 3

2007-06-14T17:38:00.000+08:00

3 days down, and thankfully i am still alive! haha =P

college has officially started last tuesday, and i am loving UP life. =) even with the haggardness of my one-to-one-and-a-half-hour travel from home and back, the noontime heat and the sauna-like classrooms(philo!philo!haha), the long walks from here to wherever, and everything else that isn't exactly desirable in my daily adventure, i am enjoying college as much as can be.

(long post ahead. feel ko magkwento eh. =P)

first day of school was already one heck of a day. pero mostly, positively naman. (mas masarap na magkwento pag tagalog. hehe). syempre freshie, so masunurin ako, punta ko sa 8:30 class ko sa ComSci building. may mga iba pa kong blockmates dun, pero anim lang kami. later on we found out na hindi nga dadating yung prof at supposedly ay wala pa talagang classes ang freshies dahil sa FWA (may iba kasi nagclass na ng math17 that day). since wala na naman kaming gagawin dun, pumunta na lang kami sa SC para bumili ng ID lace, tapos ay tumambay sa Sunken Garden. ayun, buong umaga kami dun, getting-to-know-you session. haha. then naglunch kami sa Casaa, kung saan napakaingay pala pag lunchtime. tapos naman nun, pupunta naman kami sa melchor hall, at habang naglalakad pa ay bigla na lang humangin ng malakas at nagliparang ang mga dahon, at dahil kasalukuyan akong dumadaldal, may na-shoot pa sa bibig ko. haha hindi siya masarap. hahaha. anyway, pumunta kami dun para kunin sana yung Math17 book ni Charmane, kaso 1 pm pa daw irerelease. e since magwa-one na nun, at one yung start ng FWA namin, eh nagdecide kami na pumunta na sa theater. dahil freshie pa nga lang kami at di namin alam kung pano pupunta sa theater from engg, edi nung may dumaan na jeep, tinanong namin si manong driver kung dadaan ba yun ng theater. at umoo naman itong si manong, kaya sakay naman agad kami. tatlo na lang kaming magkakasama nun, at dahil ang dami dami kong barya that time, nanlibre na ko sa jeep (minsan lang yan! haha). kaso naman, kakaabot ko pa lang ng bayad, hahahaha nasa tapat na kami ng theater! pagbaba namin ng jeep kitang-kita pa namin yung melchor hall, na parang wala pa yatang 100 meters ang layo! hay naku. well anyways... hehe. di ayun na FWA na. ang saya nagperform ulet yung UP Concert Chorus, grabe ang galing galing talaga nila. balak na nga namin manood ng concert nila sa August 11. :) nagperform din yung UP Pep, UP Rep, tsaka UP Street Dance. ang galing nilang lahat. hehe. pero ang pinaka-interesting na part ng buong program, ay nung patapos na. i've always known about the rallies and the student activists, from my older sister and cousin's stories, pero nakakagulat pa rin pala talaga pag andyan na mismo sa harapan mo. but i guess that's really part of UP life na din, at dahil feel na feel ko pa ang pagiging freshie, eh i'll stop here na.

pero dun lang sa pangyayaring yun, dahil marami pa kong ikkwento (if you're still reading, pasensya na sa napaka-detailed na pagrerecount ko ng mga chorva, napag-isip-isip ko magandang paraan din to para madali akong makapag-look back sa freshie point of view ko pag nasa later years na ko ng college life. hehe)

after the FWA, we had our block bonding. yung mga blockhandlers, they all had their block written on posters or flags, para maround-up yung buong block, and here's the catch: yung block namin (mabuhay ang G12! haha), kumpleto na, at ang nawawala ay yung blockhandlers! pero eventually ay dumating din naman sila at nakapagsimula na rin kami sa activities. ayun introduction etc, tapos may mga older students na nagshare about ComSci, tapos meron din kaming Human Bingo. medio bonding na kami nun, pero not that much din kasi most of us yun pa lang ang first meeting. mga 6 na siya natapos, so mga past 7 na ko nakarating sa bahay.

that day, may dumating din kaming relatives from New Zealand. yung tito at tita ko pa na dumating, both UP graduates. so napagkwentuhan namin mga UP stuff, at guess what, may time na ang pamasahe sa Ikot jeep ay dyis lang! as in ten centavos. saya. hehe. tapos napag-usapan din namin yung Concert Chorus. nung nagtour pala sila at pumunta sa New Zealand, yung iba sa kanila, including the conductress, nakitira sa bahay nung mga tita ko na yun. saya saya! hehehe.

then fastforward na. the next day, p.e. naman. wala din masiado ginawa, parang orientation lang. goal ko pa din hanggang ngayon ang magkaroon ng friends sa p.e. class ko, dahil wala pa din akong kakilala! pero anyways. after ng p.e., punta naman sa Vanguard para imeet yung pinsan ko (who works there on his free days. alumnus na siya), then libre lunch! weee. :) sa chocolate kiss kami kumain. medio mahal pero as in sulit talaga. :D

after lunch, diretso uwi na ko. ayoko pa rin mag-LRT so i took the Glorietta route*, at na-realize ko na ang haba nga pala talaga ng lalakarin, at kahit na nasa loob ng mall ay nakakapagod pa rin pag mag-isa ka lang. anyways i got home alive naman, at dahil wala na akong gagawin, i made this blogskin, tapos punta dito sa office dahil internet-less pa din dun sa condo. mga 7 na ko umuwi, at ako ang naghanda ng dinner namin. hehe. pero kaming dalwa lang naman ng ate ko magkasama nun. hehe.

the next day na ulet, which is today, ay nag-alarm ako ng extra early dahil kabado ako sa pagpasok. pero naka-ilang snooze naman ako so useless din naman. hehe. at kaya naman ako kabado, ay dahil parang today na talaga yung first day of classes, as in academics na talaga. pero lucky me, naihatid pa ko nina roro and ate ein (yey thanks ulet!!), kaya minus the morning-byahe haggardness na. pero grabe, kainis pagpasok na namin ng campus exagg alaga yung kaba ko. hehe. pero nung nasa room na naman ako with my blockmates, ayun okei na kalmado na ko ulet. first class was Bio 1, wala naman kaming ginawa nagdistribute lang ng classcards tapos yun na, dissmissed na. next class is Philo 11, kung saan ang classroom ay parang "torture chamber" daw. hehe. pero pagdating ng prof, lumipat kami sa kabilang room, kung saan gumagana ang ceiling fan at bumubukas ang mga bintana. nag-enjoy ako sa philo class in fairness, kahit na lecture agad sa first day. di naman masiado mukang terror yung prof namin. after that, break na. lunch kami sa SC, tapos punta na sa Math bldg, using the path galing sa CS building, na mukang nilindol. hehe. at nakita ko si joanne at mara sa math building! saya saya. heheh. anyways Math17 class naman, ayun lecture na din agad. ang sipag ko magnotes kanina in fairness, at ang notebook ko ay wala pang kahit anong signs ng doodles. =P haha. after ng class, tambay muna kami, asaran at kung anu-ano pa. haha

then uwian time na ulet. dahil maaga pa (3 pm), i decided to finally take the LRT route* home. right decision naman i think, dahil maluwag pa nga sa LRT. so i finally got home, changed, had a snack, drank lots of Coke Light, and a few minutes later went here to the office na.

hay. can't wait to go home to Lipa! alam niyo naman (or not), exagg ang kadaldalan ko sa bahay, kaya gusto ko na ulet magkwento ng magkwento sa kanila. hehe. ayan tama na dahil late na at uuwi pa ko (pero lalakarin ko lang naman at sobrang lapit lang naman. hehe). goodluck na lang sakin bukas, kasi 9:30 ang class ko at ang choice ko ay either dumating ng sobrang aga dun, or matraffic ng sobra sobra. bahala na. hehe.

okay, one last day to go before first week is over!!!

*just to let you know, at kayo na lang ang magcompare (kung gusto niyo lang naman) kung alin ang mas haggard, Glorietta route=jeep-MRT, MRT-Ayala station, lakad ng mahaba sa loob ng glorietta, sakay ng jeep sa terminal, then pedicab pa diretso sa condo building, or LRT route=jeep-MRT, MRT-Taft/terminal station, lakad ng konti sa MetroPoint mall, LRT-Gil Puyat station (2 stations lang naman), then Jeep, tas sa kanto na ko ng street namin bababa. parehong haggard, pero masasanay din ako, pramis! hehe.

my summer break's bestworst weekend

2007-05-28T17:58:00.000+08:00

i had looked forward to the past weekend for weeks, expecting it to be one of the best of my summer vacation, but going through it as if being tortured.

we went to the beach last weekend, for my dad's company outing. but guess what, roughly an hour after we get there, i get the most awfully-timed fever. the day before, i've already had headaches coming and going all throughout the day, which i ignored thinking that it was just because of the heat in Manila and all that. and i might have been feeling my tonsils hurting too, but i might not have noticed as i've gotten quite used to tonsilitis already. but it was only after exhausting myself on the huge trampolene on the beach resort while waiting for the others, that i really started feeling sick. and that's when the fever comes.

that day went by with me having only one walk by the beach when i started feeling better, but without even getting my feet wet. the next morning, i was feeling a lot better already, and so i went with my dad and my sister for a boat ride. unfortunately for me though, the main feature of that boat ride is the coral reef we are headed for, where you can go snorkeling. so for one whole hour, i had to stay on the boat while watching so enviously everyone else who were swimming around and occasionally crying out in delight as they saw all the marvelous sea creatures i could only imagine.

we left the resort about an hour after lunch (we left ASAP, as my mom wasn't feeling well either). and by the time we got home, well guess what, i had a fever again. we went to mass late in the afternoon, where i wore 3 layers of clothes and still spent the hour shaking, while none of them felt even the slightest tinge of cold in the air. when we got home again, my fever had shot up to 39.6 C.

right now, my fever's gone again, but the tonsilitis and slight dizziness are still bugging me. haaaaaay. i just hope this is enough sickness to last until i have no schoolwork to worry about again.

Finé(The End)

2007-05-23T16:58:00.000+08:00

Most of the time, if there's something we have to do, we find that the 'start' is always the hardest place to find. Whether it be something we wish not to do, or something we're not really sure of, or maybe even something we've always wanted to do. Yes, it sometimes happens that even if we want to do something, it can still be hard to find the perfect place to begin. Just like for a guy asking a girl out (judging from movie scenes), or for someone struggling with pride but wanting to apologize, or for someone who worries about the most trivial of things--like writing a blog post.

There are a lot of things, aside from writing this post, that I wish to do so much, but I just couldn't find the way back to it's beginning. Maybe in other people's eyes, it just seems like plain and stupid cowardice, but they’ve never really seen nor gone through things the way I have.

I miss music. I miss playing the piano and the guitar, and enjoying it so much. I miss the sore feeling on my fingers after practicing, the headaches I sometimes get after reading notes and memorizing chords, and the surreal feeling the music I played gave me. I miss it all. But I just can't seem to find a way to love it again, like I did before. I just can't find the passion I might have had before and have it in me again. When I'm alone I tell myself that when I wake up tomorrow I'm gonna pick up the guitar, or sit in front of my piano, and start playing again. I'm gonna put aside all the misery music has given me, and find the happiness in it again. I'm gonna forget about everything that happened to me yesterday, and play as if the connection I felt with the music I made was never broken. But then I wake up, and I'm back in reality and I still can't find enough courage to face it.

And it all gives me confusion. Because I do not know if it's really just because of my own fear that I could not find in myself again the love I have for music, or if I have really lost it, or if I never really had it like I thought I did. It's not simply loving music and having hundreds of favorite songs and bands and artists, it's loving music and having the passion for it. And now I realize that maybe that's just someone I have always wished to be, but never really was. Maybe I just admired the feeling of being passionate about music, but never really felt it myself. Yes, maybe I just admired the life musicians led and wanted it for myself too, but never really had what it requires. And that's the worst of it, knowing something you want but not having what it takes to get it. And maybe I'm just very unfortunate that it is the life of music I wished to have, for it's not merely with hard work and dedication that you could achieve it. It requires "gift"--one thing I have painfully learned that I don't have.

I always find it hard to find the exact place to start. But maybe all I have to do is face the truth that some things are not really meant to be started after all.

wala akong maisip na magandang title. haha

2007-05-18T11:07:00.000+08:00

reasons why i decided to stay to stay here at home in Lipa, for the week even if my parents and my sister are all leaving:

**mainit sa manila
**wala pa kaming cable dun
**wala pang internet sa condo dun
**mamimiss ko mga pinsan ko
**di ako makakanood ng championship nila JB(haha nanalo sila, kagabi! champion!)
**di ko mapapanood contest ni joycie
**basta in short, mabo-bore lang ako dun

reasons why right now, i soo want to be there:

**mainit din naman dito (pero malakas ang ulan ngayon, as in right now. haha)
**wala nang photoshop dito
**gusto i-customize yung multiply template ko
**gusto ko na manood ng Heroes! ep 22!!! (in my dad's office! haha)
**tinotopak nanaman yung DVD player dito
**i wanna stop sleeping at 2 am and waking up at almost 11
** and in short ulet, BORED na ko dito!

hay buhay.

just how hard is it to please oneself? it seems no matter what decision you make, which path you choose to take, nothing's just ever enough. there's always this or that missing, there's always this space that can't be filled no matter how hard you try. however sure you may have been at the moment of your decision, later on you suddenly realize you've been in doubt all along. or it may be that however doubtful you've been about one thing, after choosing the other you find that it is what you've been doubting of that you really wanted.

or perhaps it's just me.

or maybe it's just the rain.

MUST PASS MATH 17!

2007-05-10T19:00:00.000+08:00

Reality can't be more escapable now more than ever. I am indeed a college student.

Today, I went to UP with my mom for the advanced freshman registration. And I shall tell you how it went....

Taking the UP Campus jeepney from the MRT Station in Quezon Ave, we reached Melchor Hall after going round what seemed like the whole campus. We then entered the building using the side entrance, greeted by a dark and empty corridor, and a cockroach that was sneaking across the hall. In a word, the place seemed quite 'unfriendly'. So we walked on, and reached the lobby, which seemed deserted as well save a few students sitting by a corner. So up the stairs we go, where we finally see people. Quite hesitantly, I go on by myself up another flight of stairs, and sure enough, there they are: my fellow freshmen. After registering and receiving a copy of a gadgets magazine, I fell in line and waited. Waited. Waited. Until we were finally called to enter the auditorium, where we will be having our college briefing.

Contrary to our first impression of the building, the interior of the auditorium did not seem bad after all. In fact, it looked quite new and the airconditioning was excellent! (weeelll, it was really hot outside! haha). The briefing, however, was far from brief. It lasted for hours and hours, where the dean and other authorities talked about things ranging from the basic information to rules of scholastic delinquency to various types of student organizations we may join. They said too many things, most of which I have already forgotten, but here are a few that stuck to my mind: our facilities are "state-of-the-art" (I guess we're priority huh? Haha!), the real cost of our education is actually 60,000 per semester (counting the expense of software licenses and stuff), only 45% percent of the engineering freshmen make it to graduation (whoa!), and most importantly, we MUST PASS MATH 17. Haha. Yeah, that's what they made us say over and over. WE MUST PASS MATH 17. It's Algebra and Trigonometry. And if you flunk it, I guess it's byebye engineering. And, well, hello Music? Oh the irony of things. Our dean, she shared a story about one of the former engineering students who left the college (I can't remember why. Flunked Math 17 perhaps?). He shifted to B Music and guess what, he graduated valedictorian! And so concludes our dean: "See, there is still life after engineering!" and then follows a bout of laughter from the audience. Then I heard boys behind me joking, "tara, Music na lang tayo!" What's ironic is that that's the joke when one starts finding difficulty in the college, when I am actually there because I failed Music. Irony does follow me everywhere.

Anyway. Going back to my story. I am really one lucky fellow. I had been so afraid of college because I really am no people person. I definitely wouldn't have the guts to start a conversation with a complete stranger and actually try to find myself new friends. But as I said, I am lucky. The girl I was standing next to in line, and who eventually became my seatmate during the briefing, happens to be my blockmate. :) Yey! No more loner issues! Hahaha. After the briefing, we went out of the auditorium together for the real enrollment procedure, which was the exhausting part.

First, you submit your entrance credentials to the first counter. Then, you confirm all your subjects on the next. And then you wait in the looong line to get your Form 5. Then you fill up the Form 5 on the tables outside, which is quite the hard part. It's really difficult to concentrate on filling it up cleanly and accurately with all the goings-on around, plus the heat out there! Then you wait in the next loooooong line for the validation. And really, I never thought switching seats could be really tiring. We waited I think for more than an hour before we finally got our Form 5 back, within which we had to transfer seats a hundred times! And it was almost 1:00 and we were starving, and it was also soo hot there. And what's annoying is, the people behind us in the line got their form 5's first and the two of us were left there to wait. But we eventually received ours, and then it's payment time. I haven't paid yet, but I will tomorrow, before my Freshman Orientation Program.

Anyways. My mom and I went to SM North for lunch, and to have the dollars my dad gave us exchanged into currency the cashier will accept, so we can go back to the campus to pay my tuition. Unfortunately, we weren't able to do that, so we decided to go straight home. And it was a loooong walk from SM to the MRT station. It felt like half a mile! Then it was half an hour on the MRT, and then a stopover at Jollibee for a Mocha Jelly, then on to LRT, then a jeepney ride, and finally, home.

And now I am here, typing in my sister's, or I mean MY computer (woohoo it's mine now! :P) where there is no internet and no Blogger but only MS Word. It is 5:48 right now, but the uploading will have to wait till my dad's office computer is free for my use.

And you know, until now, the ecstatic feeling our dean's talk has given me has not worn out yet. And as unbelievable as I find myself, I really am excited to start my college life in the College of Engineering. :) Though I know for a fact that it really is going to be difficult, I can somehow feel that I have the motivation to work really really hard. And besides, what's life without the challenge? And first up: MUST PASS MATH 17!

in the midst of change

2007-05-05T21:52:00.000+08:00

First step to moving on: facing and accepting changes.

I am in the midst of a drastic change in my life. Sometimes I feel afraid, sometimes excited, sometimes I just have no idea what to feel. One chapter of my life has come to a close, and now I am on my first few steps to the next big phase.

Highschool. It took me quite awhile before I could finally let it go. And yes, I can now say that I am no longer wishing that I could go back. For weeks, It seemed such a lonely thought to me that I am never wearing my green checkered skirt again, with the white blouse, the matching green necktie, and the black school shoes. That I am never going into the noisy classroom again, immediately immersing in the chatter or in the missed homework with the faces I've seen everyday for the past four years. That I am never spending another moment being the 16-year-old senior-high Lasallian I used to be. But I have let go of highschool now. No matter how much I regret the things I might or might not have done, or how much I try to relive each blissful moment I once had, there is no way I could ever go back. I need to let it go. Because I do need to grow up.

College. I had been so afraid of what awaits me in college. And I have enough reasons to be. I had such a pampered highschool life, I had my friends, my family, my home, all within reach. Comfort was no question. And I knew that entering college might mean the exact opposite. None of my close friends are taking up the same course that I am, which means I'd have to find myself new ones if I intend not to be a freakish loner. The condo unit I'd go home to is 3 rides away, unlike highschool when one 10-minute jeepney ride was all it took for me to get home. The room I'd sleep in doesn't have all my crazy doodles on the walls, no bead curtains around the bed, and none of my seemingly childish sentimental stuff. And of course, not to forget the weight of the pressure that I have brought upon myself, and is amplified by everyone else around me. I graduated from highschool without any honors, without anything special, which says that I should do a lot better this time. I made the wrong decision when I picked Music as my first choice among the courses, which says that I cannot afford to make any more wrong decisions. I failed in my first choice and humiliated myself, which says that I have to excel in the course I’d be taking up now for people to forget about my huge failure. And I have an older sister who graduated Cum Laude, which says I might humiliate myself further if I do less.

These are the reasons I feared college life. I feared that none of the life I used to live will remain the same. But what good does fear do? Fear would not take me anywhere I wish to go. It would not give me anything I wish to have. It would only keep my from achieving everything that I could. The world is cruel, but only cruel enough for us to be brave and strong. Of the thousands of students in the university, finding at least one person I could talk to doesn't seem a huge challenge after all. If I could get to Glorietta alone now from our condo unit, then who's to say that I would not survive the long and lone trips to and from school? And who knows, maybe fate would even allow me to achieve something that would make people forget how huge a disappoinment I have been at one point in my life, and make them appreciate me for the person I really am.

I am no longer afraid of the life that awaits me, for I have accepted that most things really are bound to change. If we do not let our lives change, and let it change us, then what sense is there in everything?

now i know why they call it the idiot box

2007-04-29T21:35:00.000+08:00

I am NEVER watching Pinoy Big Brother again. EVER.

They're shouting at each other, one is making sense while the other one is just yelling rubbish. I am getting carried away and I am totally getting weirded out by that senseless person who keeps on talking but doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere.

But heck, I don't even know her. What business do I have with whatever it is she's blabbering about? Why should I be affected? Why should I be annoyed and get myself carried away? Why should I spend my time watching two strangers yelling at each other about something I have the slightest care for? I DO NOT KNOW.

See, that is why I am never, NEVER, watching Pinoy Big Brother again. Gaawd I wish they'd shut up! I can still hear their voices over my earphones, and I'm still as annoyed as ever. And really, I am never watching PBB again. I don't want to be judgemental, but when you see people like them doing what they're doing, saying what they're saying, it's just gonna be too difficult to keep yourself from saying things about them (or perhaps just one of them), that may seem obvious, but may not exactly be true.

Bottomline is, they're just driving me crazy and I'm crazy enough as I am.

Truth be told, I've been hating TV more and more lately. But thanks to One Tree Hill, Heroes, and Iron Chef America (and perhaps the intrinsic value of the TV itself), I have kept myself from chucking things right at it. Yep i hate the telly that much now.

At least now I'm sure I've got one less distraction when school starts.

pahabol

2007-04-27T14:47:00.000+08:00

more random thoughts....

my medical and dental examinations are scheduled tomorrow, and so is the posting of the final schedule of my pre-enlisted subjects. freshman spirit is all in the air once more. entering college is still kinda freaking me out as of late, and i'm still trying to get rid of all my paranoid thoughts. i still wish me luck. :

++++++++++

i just suddenly remembered our yearbook. i'm supposed to be layout editor, but really i haven't done anything that has to do with the layouting. but anyway. i haven't had any news about it for weeks, except for that thing about the letters from advisers, which i guess had been sorted out already. i never received any calls about it again... i'm excited to see our yearbook though. :)

okay that's all. i think i'll upload one of my old blogskins just to get rid of all the "emo" on the air.

random thoughts

2007-04-26T21:39:00.000+08:00

have you heard the song My Humps? i'm quite sure you have, but i know you're thinking about the Black-Eyed Peas version. but that's not what i'm talking about! i'm talking about the Alanis Morisette version! yep, you got that right, ALANIS MORISETTE. singing my humps in a very slow tempo, with a piano accompaniment, as if it were the most serious song on the planet. but it turned out to be the weirdest song i've ever heard! MAJOR weirdness. haha! but you gotta hear it, i even got kind of addicted to it last tuesday and listened to it dozens of times all day. hahaha.

okay enough of my humps. (i meant the song, okay?!) haha. what else has been going on in my life recently?.... hmmmmm...

i started watching Heroes yesterday, and i'm lovin it! i had to watch it on my sister's MacBook because both our DVD players here at home have stopped functioning recently, which was actually quite great because i got to watch it undisturbed in my bedroom. haha! unfortunately, i had to stop at episode 9, because my sister made me sort of promise that i wouldn't watch episode 10 onwards yet so we'd follow the story at the same time from there. she's coming home tomorrow though (from an outing in San Juan), and i just can't wait! weeeee ^^

++++++++++

i found a name i think i like for my black iPod. :) i've christened him about a dozen times already but none of the names i've given him lasted for more than an hour. haha! yeah yeah i'm that fickle-minded. but as i said, i think i've found the name i think i like for him. guess where i got it? from Heroes. haha. it's the name of Claire Bennet's stepbrother, and it's "Lyle". i dunno. it just sounds cute. :) yep, i think i like that. :) better hope i don't change my mind again within the next hour!

++++++++++

i miss my sibs. :(

whew!

2007-04-17T19:32:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the rough editing, no more photoshop remember? But who cares! I got the course i've been praying for! :)

Finally, i can breathe again..

another one of my insanely incomprehensible emo attacks

2007-04-15T22:10:00.000+08:00

there is never a perfect day in my hopelessly whatever life.

right this very moment, i should be writing about what a fun day i had today. about how beautiful Hidden Valley is. about trekking through the woods to get to the hidden waterfalls that was just breathtaking. about swimming all day, splashing around with my cousins, sticking our heads behind the waterfalls, crashing into the swimming pool, eating soooo much during snack time, taking loads of photos...

but right now i just feel too terrible.

preparing for college is giving me a hell of a time. i almost lost my freshman kit (yah, im thaaaat lousy), i almost panicked seeing that my name was not in the list of admitted freshmen in UP before i realized that i was looking at last year's list (yeah i'm thaaat stupid), and i still haven't got my medical and dental certificates accomplished. call me anything else, i'd have no choice but to agree.

this should have been such a bright and happy post, but i've gone emo again.

i'm getting all stressed out because getting into college doesn't seem to be getting me stressed out. if you get what i mean and if that even made sense.

but worry not, at least i still have an excuse (lame or reasonable, you decide) for this very very wrong attitude. if you know how it feels to choose a course you thought you wanted more than anything in the world but then realized that it's not meant for you because you 're just not good enough for it, which you're quite certain about because you actually humiliated yourself enough for centuries because you actually tried to get into it but failed BIGTIME, and now you still don't know what course you'll be taking up, and you'd have to wait for soo long before you find out what you're future is gonna be, which is actually still uncertain because you are too fickle-minded for your own sake, and you still don't know exactly what to do with your life, then you get me.

if you don't, just stop trying. it's hard enought that "I" could not understand my own self. please don't add up to the pressure.

but you could help me hope and pray that life still goes well. and you could wish me a bit of luck too.

I CAN'T WAIT...

2007-04-12T23:14:00.000+08:00

..to get my new computer. well, not exactly new, as it's just a hand-me-down from my sister. well, still a cool piece of a hand-me-down for me. :) and we'll be having it reformatted and also it's memory increased, so hopefully its gonna be good as new. :)

..for our class outing. no schedule yet, no place yet. but we have to have an outing! and i'm sure we will. or, well, i hope so!

..to find the perfect name for my iPod. ;) a nice masculine name. ;P

..to change my blogksin! i'm done with emo mode, but unfortunately, in my despair for disk space, i uninstalled a few programs, which regretfully includes Photoshop. that's why, well, refer to the first one up there.

..for Sunday! we're going to Hidden Valley, all-expense paid! well, me and my sister at least. my tita's graduation gift. :)

..to find out what course i'll be taking up for my first year in college. (and with any luck, maybe for the rest of my college life.)

..to see him again?

hello sunshine! ..or not

2007-04-08T21:15:00.000+08:00

They always say, "pag may hirap, may sarap." But I say, "pag may sarap, may hirap!"

I guess I got too excited when I saw the sand and the waves, that I forgot that I could have at least applied sunblock lotion to keep my skin from hurting this much. It was worth it anyway, I had looooaaaads of fun! :)

We went to Laiya, San Juan for our family outing yesterday. And "family" meant THIRTY people. Yes, we are indeed one big happy family. :) All the kids (well, almost) rode with us in the car, including Strider, my 2-year-old, half-Amercan cousin who's here on vacation. Travel time was about two hours, and I volunteered to have him sit on my lap for the ride. After about an hour through the ride, he was about to fall asleep, when something suddenly happened... HE PEED ON ME. haha. His eyes were half-closed already when I felt something hot creeping up my shorts. Before I knew it my shorts were all wet, and I was calling for 911. haha. Buti na lang I had my swimsuit on na, kaya nagpalit na lang ako dun mismo sa kotse, while he had his diaper changed too. Haha. So after that funny incident, everyone fell quiet again until we were minutes away from the resort. . .

When we got there, we had breakfast first (rice and chicken in banana leaves! Yum!) before diving into the cool salty wavy waters, and spending all morning riding and getting knocked out by the waves. Just to give you an idea how strong the waves were, here’s another of my stories. . . My sister and I were wearing tank tops over our swimsuits when we dove in, but for tan lines' sake, we took them off. So I was holding both our tank tops when I decided to sit by the shore and feel the waves crash on me. But wrong move. Because one particularly big wave hit the shore, and me, and I got knocked down, I fell over and rolled around underwater, and when I finally got up again, I was holding only MY tank top, and my sister's was gone! We tried looking for it but the waves were too quick and it was nowhere to be found. That top had a Bora/UP Pep Squad print pa naman, which my sister got from their Bora trip last summer. Good thing she has another one! If not, darn I'd probably be double dead. Haha. ;P

A few minutes past noon, we left the beach and washed off (Plan A: no more swimming in the afternoon). We then had lunch at about 1, and after lunch, some people fell asleep while the others played cards under the bahay kubo. I tried to sleep but as I was about to drift off, I was told the others were playing games in the activity area of the resort. So I went there, where they were playing air hockey, billiards, and what-do-you-call-that-soccer-game-on-a-table thing. Hahaha. I had one game of air hockey, and 2 missed goals on that soccer-on-the-table game, before I substituted one of my tita's in babysitting Angelica. She's Strider's younger sister, one-year-old and of course half-American too, and a hundred and one percent cute! After about 30 minutes, I was done babysitting and I went to the shore with my cousins who were going to swim again. I wasn't supposed to swim again, kaso nainggit ako! Haha. so Plan B: get back into my swimsuit in 54321 and dive in again! That was another hour of swimming, crashing away with the waves, and SUNBURN.

After that, ligo na ulet, and pack up na. Then bye-bye beach.. :(

Till next summer I guess. . .

+++++++++

I'd love to think that beach trips and sunburn and cute cousins were all that mattered this summer. . . but UNFORTUNATELY, there are more pressing matters that could not be ignored. :(

First is COLLEGE. I still don't know what course I'll be taking up for my first year, and that would be until April 16. I'll only find out what course there will be for me on April 16, because it would all depend on the availability of slots (i didn;t make the talent test by the way). And the deadline for confirmation is on the 15th. And dammit, the woman we talked with in the registrar's office said that most likely, it would be my third choice, which is (louder DAMMIT) Creative Writing. Why on earth did I ever choose that. Dapat Film na lang pinili ko na third choice. Ewan ko ba. Ang ewan ko talaga sa pagpili ng course. Now I'm all messed up. ALL MESSED UP. I haven't even had my medical and dental certificates accomplished. Argh. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH.

+++++++++

And as if I couldn't be lousier, I've got guilt trips keeping me up at night. Because YES, I have a lot to feel guilty for. How can I enjoy so much when there are people out there fighting for dear life? What more, someone I used to care for so much. BUT, someone I seemed to have written down in my hatelist, someone I have been such a b**** to, someone I have turned into a stranger again.

You see, we never realize our cruelty until tragedy strikes and our conscience tortures us more than ever. We never realize our greatest regrets until we have lost the chance to take them back again. Because we always have that chance, until death comes knocking. Only death can take it all away. Because until death comes, it's only our pride, our selfishness, our own will, that keeps us from mending broken threads and patching up the holes we ourselves have burned.

Pride, bitterness, selfishness, hate. . . How easily those are forgotten when the chance to take it all back is almost lost. And that's what's sad about us. We always wait until everything is almost lost before we realize what we should have done long before.

I know you’ll be okay. I know you'll get through this. I'm praying for you. And I'm not the only one. I just hope you'll know that I'm sorry. For everything. . .

something better

2007-03-27T18:12:00.000+08:00

The past days had been such a nightmare, but I AM SO DONE WITH HELL! And so, with my newfound glow, I bring my blog back to life. :)

Once again, I'd rather not relive the pains I am already trying to get over. It's all still inside me, but I know healing takes time and faith. And time and faith is what I rely on to someday free me from all these.

Even though I 'was' so afraid that I might graduate with too much anguish, somewhere along the road I realized that there’s just no point in all the resentment. I'm not going to graduate from highschool with tears in my eyes because I feel bitter and angry and alone. I am going to graduate from highschool maybe still with tears in my eyes, but that's because I am happy, I have friends who are always there to back me up, I have a family who loves me sooo much, and I have such a bright future ahead. I may look back to a highschool life that is filled with regret, but I can look ahead knowing that I still have the chance to make up for all my failures and shortcomings. And I promise myself that. I will make THE MOST out of my college life. I will do all I can to make all those whom I have disappointed very proud.

But before highschool really ends, I want to thank everyone who have been a part of it, for making me happy, strong, and whole.

My classmates. 404, BM21, BM44, and most of all, LS206! :) highschool life wouldn't have been this fun if it weren't for you guys! Who would forget all the laughter, tears, anger, fear, noise, and food we shared! Our class is just irreplaceable, and I'll definitely miss you all!!

My advisers.
Sir Anog. For all the times you went back to our classroom after I tearfully say sorry in behalf of the whole class. For all the last-minute practices (and the steps you taught us). For all the punishments (picking up garbage at 7 in the morning, standing up for an hour, staying in the classroom until 5 in the afternoon without saying a word, putting our hadns on the damp grass in the oval, rolling on the cement floor, etc etc). You were tough, but you also taught us how to be tougher! And that was one valuable lesson we now know we need. :)

Ms. Tipan. You were never really around that much, and I remember us asking you for support that we couldn't really feel. But you had been there when we needed you, and you never scolded us for using our cellphones in school during Sayawit practices. :)) And how would I forget Biology and those Quiz Forms? And the long exam I forgot to study for? :) You may not have been right beside us always and everytime, but that taught us that if we have the will and the faith, we could be strong enough to stand on our own feet and reach our goals. :)

Mrs. Africa. You never asked for anything, and you always accepted wholeheartedly what it is that we could give. We have been pasaway a lot of times, but you were still there for us when we needed you, and you never failed to show us how much you love and care for us. We may not have put much into that box that went around the classroom each Tuesday, and we may not have been record-breaking on the Stallion drive, but we never heard you complain. You taught us that the measure of what you give is not on the amount, but on the sincerity with which you give it. Sincerity, patience, and faith. You imparted those values to us, and we will carry all those along with the memory of such a wonderful schoolyear with you. :)

Teacher Olive. This last schoolyear turned out so differently from the way I had seen it before it even started. There were a lot of ups, but much more of downs. And if there's one thing I learned from you, that is to keep my mouth tightly shut when I need to. And I know now that times do come that that’s just as important as speaking out. I apologize for all the pains I may have caused you, but I hope you know you caused me much too. Thank you for the year that had been, it had been the last of highschool, and it taught me much.

All our subject teachers. Physics, Trigonometry, El Fili, Economics, Morality, Literary Criticism, Accounting, Electronics, Programming, and Patintero! I'd never forget all the teachers who tortured me with, I mean taught me all these! ;)

All the school staff. Sir Adel and Kuya Ronald of the Science Labs, Kuya Jerome and Ate Angela of the Comuter Labs, Ate's and Kuya's of the AVR's. Class reports, experiments, and hands-on projects would not have been that successful if not for you. :)

My highschool boylets? Haha! Yeah, thank you, for making me realize that "love" is far too deep and complicated for highschool yet. And for the stuffed toys, chocolates, and flowers too. haha! :P

And to my SIBS barkada. Here's a hug. :) I wouldn't have made it through highschool still in one piece if you weren't there for me. All the HR moments, the siba-mode foodtripping, the camwhoring, the househopping, I couldn't have shared them with anyone else! I'll miss you loads when we get to college. You'll be my best friends to the end! :)

And to everyone else I may have forgotten to mention, thank you soo sooo much! :D

++++++++++

Another thing to be happy about graduation is, *drumrooooll* , graduation gifts! I can honestly say that I'm not really that materialistic, but forgive me for being soo happy about this. I just can't contain it! I had been dreaming of an iPod nano since ever, and my parents know that, but I never really asked for one. And guess what my dad got me for graduation? *drumroll uleeet* An Ipod video! Grabe! It was really a surprise! I really really wanted an iPod but I didn't dare ask for one anymore because I had already been promised the 7th book of Harry Potter as grad gift, and I didn't want that forfeited either! Now I'm so so so happy because I got both! I sooo love my parents! And God loves us so much! :D

++++++++++

Highschool life was a tough one. Real tough. But this is just the beginning. And I know for certain, this is the beginning of something BETTER. :)

the not-so-grand finale.

2007-03-02T22:15:00.000+08:00

Highschool is over. For real. But why can't I feel it?

It seems too hard to believe that this really is it. I don't know. But I'm not feeling as happy as I expected.

Maybe there's too much I have failed to do. Or maybe there's too much regret.

I have taught myself not to care that much for what others would say or think about me. I'm just me, and I have long accepted the truth that I can never please them all. But it still crosses my mind how I failed to meet the expectations of those who believed in me. What makes me feel bad is not my own failures, but how my failures make other people feel bad. What bothers me is how other people just couldn’t accept that I’m not as perfect as some people are.

Yes, I have regrets. All my wrong decisions, all my wrong actions. I regret all those, more than anyone else can ever imagine. Then again, there are things too that I don’t regret. I know I could have done better academically. But then grades are just grades. Mere numbers. There are more important things for me. Happiness, contentment, life. These are the things I work hard for.

This year may not have been the best for our class, in terms of certificates and trophies. But those are not the measure of real victory. Because for me, it is not what you receive that determines if you have won or not, it is how you give what you give that reveals if you truly are the victor. And we know, without uncertainty, that we have given everything we can, all from our hearts. And it wouldn't matter to us even if everybody else did not see that, because we know in our hearts that we weren’t the ones who failed.

This schoolyear's end was not all that grand. Not as huge as I expected it would be for us. Or maybe just for me. Somehow, there's still that empty feeling in me. Something even I cannot explain. Or maybe it's really just the sadness of leaving what has been the best chapter of my life.

But as they always always always say: with every end is a new beginning. And yeah, a lot more of life awaits me. And perhaps I should not let the waiting last longer.

I'm coming, real life. :)

P.S. recaps and looking backs, to follow. :P

can'tCAN wait

2007-02-23T18:23:00.000+08:00

One last weekend. One last week. And highschool is OVER.

I look in the mirror and all is STRESS, STRESS, and even more STRESS.

I want the stress and the exhaustion and the sleepless nights to end.
But not highschool. :(

a perfect example of why REAL life scares the hell out of me

2007-02-19T18:58:00.000+08:00

OKAY. DO NOT PANIC. But how can I not???

I am on the verge of fainting right now. YES, it is THAT bad.

My mom and I went to my piano teacher's studio today to schedule my special classes, which is for preparation for my talent audition in the UP College of Music. I stopped taking my lessons last March I think, for reasons so insiginificant I cannot remember. And now I regret that. I REALLY REALLY DO.

Before I could be assured of a 'Bachelor of Music major in Piano' course, I still have to take a music theory exam and a talent audition. The music theory exam is scheduled on March 10, which is about two weeks from now. Since that is a written exam, I don't think preparing for that would be the greatest difficulty. But exactly a week after that, is the TALENT AUDITION. I know there's no guarantee, but, well, assuming that I pass the written exam, here's what I have to do for my talent audition:

Departmental Audition Requirements for PIANO
1. Scales & Arpeggios, 4 Octaves (Major & Minor Keys);
2. One work by J.S. BACH chosen from the Two or Three Part Inventions, the 48 Prelude & Fugues, Toccatas, Partitas, or the English & French Suites;
3. A Virtuosic Etude chosen from Czerny, Op.299 (except Nos. 1-5), Chopin (except Op.10 #3, Op.10 #6, Op.25 #7), Liszt, Rachmaninoff (except Op.33 #7, Op.39 #2), Scriabin (except Op.2 #1), Prokofiev, or Debussy;
4. One fast movement of a 3-movement Classical Sonata by Haydn, Mozart (except K.545), Beethoven (except Op. 49, Nos. 1-2), or Schubert;
5. A work chosen freely by the applicant, preferably a work from the 19th or 20th Centuries;
6. A work will be given to the applicant during the audition for sight reading proficiency
Entire program should be played from memory.

I was DUMBFOUNDED when I saw that. Shocked. Stunned. Bewildered. Because among the list, all i have knowledge of is number 1 and number 5. And all I have is 26 DAYS to prepare for that. Oh darn.

Just this morning I had been so sure. After all the dilemmas and uncertainties, this morning I have finally made up my mind and decided that there is NO turning back. I was a hundred percent sure that this is the path I want to take. That music is the future I want. But then I saw the list. The oh so dreadful list.

I know they all say that if there's a will, there's a way. And yes, I am willing to spend five years studying music. I am willing to spend sleepless nights practicing. I am willing to stay home while they all go out so I can practice. I am willing to sacrifice all my free time to perfect my piano pieces. But I thought I had college for that. I didn't know I had to go through that to have 'that' college life I want.

I HAVE THE WILL. But it's not all just 'will' that matters here. I just hope and pray that everything else fills in the empty spaces.

>.<

2007-02-13T09:15:00.000+08:00

INVI mode.

>> blog on hibernation <<

-----------

weeee :)

2007-02-08T21:11:00.000+08:00

yey! i can finally be excited for the prom!! :)

My groupmates in the investigatory project (analyn at raquel! hehe!) came over after our prom rehearsal (yes, we had a prom rehearsal. hahaha) to finish the revisions for our IP paper, which is due on Monday. We could have chosen another day, but unfortunately, there is NO other day. Tomorrow, of course it's prom day! Saturday, we need rest! Prom ends at 4am and there's no way we could work on the paper on Saturday. I'm sure we'd still be hungover (don't worry, no alcohol involved! hahaha). Plus, my family (including all my cousins and tito's and tita's) will be having the February birthday celebration that day! Then Sunday, we'll be working on Chapter 4 of our English research paper. Haaaaaay. At least tapos na yung oral defense sa IP, kahit papano nabawasan na ang load. But still.... Kaya ayun, ginawa na namin ngayon. Mga 9pm na sila nakaalis dito! Ang freaky maglakad dito sa subdivision namin. Walang streetlights sa areas na walang bahay. FREAKY. hahahah

Pero wait! i'm not supposed to be worrying about school stuff! I'm now licensed to be excited for the prom! hahahaha! And obviously, i really am. :P

Never mind being dateless and all, highschool guys are such ~~losers~~ anyway! hahahaha

happy :)

2007-02-06T20:00:00.000+08:00

What better place to start than the very beginning, which, in this story, refers to 12 midnight of the 6th of February. The very first hour of my sixteenth year in this world. :)

Just a few minutes before the day comes to its end. I sat alone in front of the computer, draining my brain with all the ideas I could squeeze out of it that I may finally finish the second chapter of our research paper in English. At exactly midnight, the computer hangs, leaving me alone and out of the company of my groupmates, who had also been relying on the power of Yahoo Messenger to link them to the real world. I sat alone, feeling the magic of being sixteen, subconsciously waiting for the computer monitor to spring back to life.

The moment it does, I am also brought out of my reverie and plunged once again into the world that is highschool. But at least, there was one new reason to be bright and merry. It's not everyday I celebrate my birthday. :)

The night, or rather the morning if you should call it, went on. An hour later, the papers had been printed and I am lying on my bed. I can already feel the magic everywhere. There was too much to look forward to I hardly found reason for sleep. Yet a second later I wake up to my mom's hugs and greetings. Aahhh. No doubt, this day is going to be perfect. :)

More greetings flood my cellphone. I just loved checking my phone and seeing lots of new messages :) But then that's where today's mystery also begins. Looks like someone has borrowed his (or maybe her?!) friendS' and classmateS' cellphones and used each to send me a birthday greeting. Mystery text-brigader still remains anonymous up to this very moment. I do not know if I should be pleased, as I have no idea if this person is someone to be happy about. I have slight suspicions now, though. . .

But there's a lot more to the day than a dozen Globe numbers sending me birthday greetings. I knew there was something else. Aside from words beheld the previous night, I was quite certain the strange questions in the morning held secrets soon to be revealed.

And revealed they were. All the magic explodes during lunchbreak. As I walked through the halls with my friends, without the slightest trace of suspicion, and not really expecting much, there comes the big surprise! CHOCOLATE MARJOLAINE from my mom, sixteen birthday candles in the hacienda, a "Happy Birthday!" from *toot* (hahaha!!!), plus my SIBS barkada. . . its just the sweetest birthday ever!! :D

It just seems unbelievable. I even managed to forget all the panicking I should be going through because of our Soc.Sci. reporting-turned-oral-defense. I was just soooo HAPPY. Real HAPPY. :)

Even the difficult quiz in Physics, in which I think I failed, did not ruin my mood. Even the terror-English-teacher we were fortunate to not have, who scolded us in the library because we looked like we were "making kwento" did not scare me. I even had a good laugh about it! "You three, go sit on the tables, so you don't look like you're.. making.. kwento!.." Wahahahaha!

However, the school stress still finds its way into the perfect day when the bell rings, signalling that it's almost the end. Because today's end means tomorrow's beginning. And tomorrow means Physics Investigatory Project ORAL DEFENSE. First period in the morning! But we’ll manage. I'm quite sure we will. :)

After this, I'll go back to working on my mask for our masquerade-themed JS prom. Yes, I know I should put preparing for the oral defense to top priority. But the creative juices rarely flow. And the prom has just as much importance as whatever oral defense there is (at least I beleieve so! haha). You just got to have nice happy cheesy memories about highschool too! It would be so darn boring to reminisce and remember nothing but nerdy-ness.

No worries. I have all night.

P.S. All I really asked for my birthday this year was chocolates. But what I got was sweeter! Much much much much sweeter :)

now that i'm done with Chapter2 and the IP paper

2007-02-06T00:53:00.000+08:00

weeeeeee. I'm sixteen years old. :)

let me just say my birthday's still perfect. even with all the hellish schoolwork.

still perfect. :)

P.S. can't wait for school!!!!!

happy birthday!

2007-02-05T17:18:00.000+08:00

When it rains, it pours.

As I step out to the week, I start walking under a drizzle of chapter 2 of the research paper in English. But then, it suddenly turns into rain as clouds of soc.sci. reporting come in. I'm already soaking wet when winds of the oral defense in physics start to blow the sanity out of me, and knock me down to the ground flooded with chapter 3 of the research paper.

Okay. Enough. That was silly. Hahahaha.

++++++++++

So what's sillier, me trying to laugh out my worries or me and my epal-moment-of-the-century moment?

Darn. I go so crazy at times even I cannot stop myself. I feel like i'm Becky of shopaholic, saying things before realizing what they are. Pero okay lang, BIRTHDAY KO naman BUKAS eh! Hahaha!

+++++++++++

It sucks turning sixteen. Why? Because. . . Let's see. I have to study for our oral defense in Physics, I have to report an easy topic that turns to hell when reported in front of our economics teacher, and I have to do the 3rd chapter of our research paper. All during my birthday. Great. Just great.

++++++++++

CHOCOLATES are the only things keeping me alive. Thank God for chocolates.

when the going gets tough, you just got to be tougher

2007-02-03T20:47:00.000+08:00

I am soooper loving my 16th birthday (even if it hasn't come yet! hahaha). So far, my grandfather had given me cash(lots of it if you ask me), my mom had bought me lots of dragonfly stuff, and my dad got me a Chicosci CD! How cool is that??

I just loooove birthdays!!!! :D

++++++++++

2 days down from this hectic weekend. Yesterday and today were very much exhausting. VERY VERY MUCH. But what can i say, i had fun too! ;P

Yesterday was like Amazing Race, only without the million dollar prize. All the running was insane! Now i realize how weird we must have looked, 5 people sprinting through corridors and stairs looking like some humongous monster is after them. Hahaha ;P

Today, i got lost (with joanne, as we tried to get to april's house), took pictures for a hilarious music video (hahaha!:P surprise surprise classmates!), watched a classmate eat a week's worth of food for lunch (groupmates, you know you all agree. hahaha), and fell asleep on april's living room. at least sa sofa lang, hindi sa kama! haha

++++++++++

i better get to bed soon. i am in dire need of good deep sleep.

uhmmmm...

2007-02-01T17:38:00.000+08:00

Friday: 7:00 am. Saturday: 8:00 am. Sunday: 8:30 am.

I had to repeat those times over and over inside my head for hours before they finally sank in.

Friday >> IP day. The bitter truth: we actually DON'T HAVE CLASSES TOMORROW. But I still have to wake up at the break of dawn, like I do everyday, to meet my groupmates to finally finish our investigatory project. I'm not really complaining though. That's the whole point anyway. We requested to have our Stallion holiday tomorrow to have time to finish our projects (or maybe just this one project). At least (see, there's still a little of the bright side here), we're doing it here at my house, which, in ways, is still more comfortable than school.

Saturday >> Soc. Sci. day. Our reporting is scheduled on Monday and Tuesday (my birthday! Haha!), but we still haven’t prepared anything! Except for the 'evaluation activity', aka QUIZ (though our teacher denies it. haha). We have the whole day of Saturday for that, and I do hope everything gets settled.

Sunday >> Literary Criticism day. I thought I'd at least have this one day free. But NO. One big NO. What with 24 note cards, and an expected 15-page Chapter 2 of our research. How will you squeeze in 'fun' into that? . . . .Hah! I've got the answer too. Hahaha. At 4pm, we’re headed off to watch a Spongecola gig! Hahahahaha. If we're not yet done by 4, we're going back to my house (yeah we're doing it here, AGAIN. hehe. pambansang gawaan ng project ang bahay namin eh. hahaha) after the gig to finish it, hopefully before 9pm, which is the latest time we have agreed on.

Aaaaah. The senior-high life. I'm loving ~~and hating~~ every minute of it.

++++++++++

I'm not really used to strangers in my tagboard, and really, all this is quite overwhelming. I keep forgetting all the world has access to my blog!. . .

HELLO anyways to my newfound online friends (????). hahaha! Kim >> YM buddy. Maren >> all the way from GERMANY :). Jae >> I can't get over it. Is that really your name? and Harlem >> what did you search for??

++++++++++

5 days before {sweet} sixteen. haha. My only birthday wish: CHOCOLATES!! lots of it.

advance happy birthday!

2007-01-30T20:33:00.000+08:00

whose birthday is it?? MINE of course! hahaha!

seven more days. just a week before i finally turn {sweet} sixteen. :) i'm excited am i not? hahahaha :P

anyways. more about the blogskin. :) it's my advanced birthday present for myself. hehe. making blogskins actually makes me feel better, and i do need the boost. so here. :)

i'm now ready to embrace an old but new outlook in life :) ... nobody's perfect, right? i can never be everything, i can never have everything. but i can do everything if i have the will, the determination, and the attitude. attitude plays a big part in reaching our goals, and being positive makes everything a whole lot easier. :)

POSITIVITY. it's all i need this time.

[EDIT!] i just noticed this a few minutes ago, it was my blog's ANNIVERSARY last January 29! so aside from this new blogskin being an advanced brithday present, it also turns out to be a belated anniversary, well, thing. (it's not exactly a present isn't it?) haha! [/EDIT!]

wishful thinking

2007-01-29T20:26:00.000+08:00

I thought I'd make myself feel better after all the mishaps today, by uploading a new blogskin. But then I changed my mind. I'm already done with the images and all, but then I realized that I'm not yet ready for all the positivity in those designs. Not just yet. 'HR' mode ain't over for me yet.

++++++++++

'Sway' was a bad sign. When I heard the song playing as we entered the gym, I knew right then and there that something was going to happen. But never had I imagined that it would be that bad. :(

Why now? When I have already become all hopeful and optimistic? Why now?

Don't come and go, like you do...... how i wish you won't.

++++++++++

(Christian Living homework. Yes, HOMEWORK)

Love can never be feigned. Yes, it can never be seen if it really isn't there, and more importantly, it cannot be felt. You can pretend to love someone, make the world believe that what you feel is true. Yet it ends there. Blind eyes may believe what they see, but eyes that have been opened to the truth love brings will always feel that there is something missing. Just as happiness can never be forced upon someone, love cannot be too. You can force yourself to act like you love that person, give him/her gifts, try to make him/her feel that they are everything, but that would only be your mind working. Unless you feel it in your heart, you'll never stop thinking of ways just to please that person, and at the same time try to please yourself too. But how could you say that that is love if you know that you're just lying? Love never lies. Because it does not mind the pain that the truth may bring, for the pain you feel in your heart is truer than anything your mind can offer.

Likewise, love cannot be hidden if it is there. No matter how you try to hide what you feel, life has its ways of bringing you circumstances that leaves you with no choice but to be honest. Love can either give us genuine happiness, or pain beyond imagination. But whichever of the two is the effect love has on us, keeping it in secret does no good. What is the sense of happiness if you have no one to share it with? Being happy, but being happy all by yourself, can sometimes be even worse than pain. The pain love may bring can be unbearable, but there will always be other people who have sincere concern, and are willing to share the pain just to ease your burden. And isn't that still love?

Indeed, "love cannot be seen where it does not exist, nor can it be hidden where it does."

recharged

2007-01-27T10:28:00.000+08:00

Sobra pala ko napagod kahapon, kasi nung magppost na ko, wala akong maisip itype. Haha. Eh andami pala nangyari.

Okay. So here goes.

I soooo love Mrs. Africa, our level 9 adviser. I know we weren’t really able to show her back then how much we appreciated everything she did for us, but until now, she never fails to amaze us with how much concern and love she has for us! Now that she’s not our teacher anymore, we feel regretful of how we failed to return all the care she gave us. I remember back then how she would attend almost all of our practices for various activities, and even bring snacks for each of us. How she would always tell us that it's not winning, or being recognized, that is important. She would always remind us that what really matters is we give from our hearts, and never forget to get our strength from God, and at the same time offer everything we do to Him. She never got mad at us if we lost, or if we weren't able to give enough to be on top. She never left us when we needed her support, and she was always there when we needed sympathy.

I thought that after we left level 9 and moved on to senior-high life, the bond between her and our class, BM44, would somehow loosen. But NO. one big NO. I was absolutely wrong. Until the day we graduate, she’s made sure she’s there for us. And I really really love her for that.

++++++++++

Yesterday was teachers/staff day. Classes were called off in the afternoon, and the morning was dedicated to class programs for advisers, a mass, and another huge program for all the teachers and staff.

We didn't really have any plans for a class program, because we thought we'd still have our first subject (English. And madugong research para sa thesis!). But all the other classes had prepared something, so the first subject had been called off to give way to the classes to show their love for their advisers. Fortunately, our class had already become experts in impromptu programs, and we were able to come up with a surprise for our adviser in a few minutes of preparation. After the impromptu program, we had a break, went upstairs to greet our beloved BULIK moderators a happy teachers day (and perhaps greet some other people too? haha), then proceeded to the Sentrum for the mass and the program.

After the mass, we had some time to kill. With INVI in our hands and minutes of boredom, here's what happens:

Starring: kenji (who disappears later on), nhet (the ultimate narcissist - on the right), mia (the next ultimate narcissist - on the left), and me (the almost ultimate narcissist - at the middle)

Acknowledgements to mara, for taking the photos. :) thanks chizwhiz!

++++++++++

After the teachers day stuff, mia, nhet, and I went to KFC for lunch. We still had a lot of fun even if there were only three of us. Endless head-turning for us there. Haha!

But disaster has to follow afterwards. We had to part ways to meet with our respective groups for our investigatory projects. And our investigatory project, darn, just thinking about it again makes me feel irritated. I hate it! We had to start over just because our Physics teacher wouldn’t keep his word.

++++++++++

A few more smiles and I surrender.

Missing pieces.

2007-01-23T19:44:00.000+08:00

I am now a hundred percent sure that I'll be going to the university of my dreams for college, and taking up the course of my dreams, too. Yet, how can I be sure that my dreams are the kind of dreams that I should really pursue? Now that I really think about it, it starts to dawn on me that it's not really just the fulfillment of my dreams that matter. I know that if I don't change my mind, I'll be traveling a path I know I really want to follow, and that I'll certainly find happiness in it. But then again, I know too that I cannot find assurance that I'll easily have a stable career when I graduate. Truth's starting to creep up to my bones now and it's scaring the hell out of me again. For a moment I thought I was so sure, and I was so excited that college is at hand. But no matter how hard I try to run away from reality, it's there. I have no escape.

What I have however, is three months. Yes. Three months to make up my mind and start living in reality.

++++++++++++

Prom is in exactly seventeen days. I am going solo, but I don't mind. Or, well, at least I think I don't. Fine. Hate me if you want but I'm not denying the fact that I feel this teeny bit of jealousy, and this other really teensy weensy bit of envy towards those who's already got perfect dates. I mean, it's the prom, right? What's the sense of it if you don't even get the chance to have that one memorable dance with 'him'. Last year's prom was great and all, but there was nothing really worth remembering. I danced the night away with my friends, but, well, I'm with them everyday and I can hardly say the dancing made that much of a difference. But then, sharing a moment with someone who always seems to stand out each time you look at the crowd.. well, it isn't everyday that you get that. Yeah this is overly sentimental and all, but let's face it, every single and loveless highschool girl out there gets bothered somehow.

We're in highschool anyway. These are the things we worry about.

the beginning

2007-01-22T20:45:00.000+08:00

cheers to the rebirth of my blog! after it has been momentarily ruined for some strange reasons i know not of, it's restored and in full health again! :)

and there's more for me to smile about. :) well, not just smile actually. more like jump up and down, scream like mad, and just rejoice! i passed the UPCAT!! :D

weeeeeeeee. after months of uncertainty and constant anxiety, the fog finally clears off, revealing quite a promising future ahead. really, i can't tell you just how happy i am! :)

but before i get too carried away... highschool ain't over yet! so i gottta dash now, loads of homework waiting.

frustration + headache + teary eyes + scaredy cat me =

2007-01-21T21:35:00.000+08:00

i tried to finish my column, yet unfortunately, i wasn't even able to start.

first, the pc hangs and autorecovery recovers nothing. then, dulce totally abandons me.

everytime i try, i just end up writing something more like an overly sentimental blogpost. something not sensible enough for the school paper.

i mean, how pathetic am i, i even start feeling tears welling up in my eyes. and then i go around sharing my drama to anyone patient enough to endure my ramblings, just to relieve myself from the mounting pain inside me.

i don't want to write my farewell column. i don't want to say farewell. i don't want to graduate yet. i don't want to go to college yet. :(

...
...
...

oh darn. someone please slap me in the face and bring me back to real life

i'm actually friendster and multiply-hopping right now..

2007-01-21T19:52:00.000+08:00

just when i finished our thesis outline and finally concluded that thinking mode is over for the weekend, i find out that i have to make a column too. i have to make my first, and last, and only, column, for the last issue of our school paper. and i still have to think of my column's title. darn.

where's dulce when you need it?

oh well.. no need to panic. i can do this. right?

fleeting moments of insanity

2007-01-19T21:01:00.000+08:00

don't stray, don't ever go away
i should be much too smart for this
you know it gets the better of me..

so i see your name again, in those darn bold letters that never, never, fail to make my hands shake like mad. you don't even bother to put in a status message, so how the hell am i supposed to know what you're up to? perhaps you're busy, or maybe just idling around? that little smiley face all glowing and yellow seems almost mocking. because right at that same moment, i've also got that insanely wide smile.

sometimes, when you and i collide
i fall into an ocean of you
pull me out in time, don't let me down
let me drown
i say it's all because of you

finally. after endless clicking on that little yellow smiley, then hitting that little 'x' button once the window pops out, then clcking that smiley again, then so on and on and on. i finally muster the courage to actually type in a greeting. and quite a second later... oh darn, why do you have to be so friendly? i'm awfully lousy when it comes to conversation, but you seem to be so good at it that it almost never ends. almost. because by the time i'm all swallowed up in the moment, *poof*, you're gone.

and here i go, i'm losing my control
i'm practicing your name
so i can say it to your face

oh damn. you didn't have to be that nice! now you've gotten me all shy and speechless around you, yet pathetically but inevitably hopeful. i'm even fussing too much about it that i keep asking my friends how i should greet you or what i should call you if in case i met you in the hallways. oh damn.

it doesn't seem right
to look you in the eye
let all the things you mean to me
come tumbling out my mouth
indeed it's time,
i tell you why
i say it's infinitely true

things weren't supposed to reach this point. i mean, really, i shouldn't be writing this and saying all these stupidly cheesy stuff. but they keep coming out, don't they? they just do.

and there's no cure
and no way to be sure
why everything's turned inside out
instilling so much doubt

but it's still a fact that we're not even real friends. i haven't got a single clue who you really are, except for all the superficial things everyone knows about. i'm supposedly speechless but i never run out of things to say when it's you i'm talking with (or chatting with, at least). i want to know more about you, but i'm too afraid even to just try. i don't want to send out the wrong signals, because really, i'll be quite happy and contented just knowing that we are friends.

it makes me so tired,
i feel so uninspired

then at some point, it all just appears to be senseless. i can daydream about you all day. imagine you playing and remember you denying that you're good at that sport, when you extremely are. i can have all these YM conversations with you, with you being so friendly and fun to talk to and utterly irresistable. but none of that would make it all real. the more i think of you, the more i realize that you'll only be that far.

my head is battling with my heart
my logic has been torn apart

but then i see you walking by. you wear that straight face, which makes you look arrogant and egotistic and soo impossible to approach. but then you smile. you smile that insanely charming smile and you suddenly look the exact opposite. and then i forget all the realism and my heartbeat starts racing again and my hands turn ice-cold while they shake, as my knees become all wobbly too. a second ago, i tell myself you're just another person, with as much significance in my life as someone i'd been introduced to but never really became friends with, but now i find myself smiling my widest smile, and waving quite blissfully at you, hoping everyday went that way.

and now it all turns sour
come sweeten every afternoon

but moments like those happen as rare as the blue moon shines. one day, we'd seem like real friends, then i won't catch sight of you for days to come. if you only knew how fast i'd fix my thing just to get out of the classroom immediately when the bell rings, hoping i'd see you and maybe even exchange smiles for the brief moment that you'd pass by. but you never seem to.

say you'll stay
don't come and go, like you do
sway my way, i need to know all about you

we have these conversations, and yeah they're real, literally. but i can hardly say that they really are real. i don't want to play these stupid and senseless games anymore, because what they give never even lasts for more than an hour. i want this, all of these, to be real. to be more than mere dreams and daydreams....

it's all because of you
it's all because of you....

but then again, i know you don't really feel the same.

it's all because of you....

just before i start worrying about school again...

2007-01-14T14:20:00.001+08:00

just for the record, this is my first post using the new blogger. :) i switched just now, and thank goodness, my blog's still working! i have no idea what happened to Rizelle's and Ami's blogs, which, for some reason, stopped working after they've switched. but i do hope your blogs will be up and running again, and real SOON! :)

++++++++++

so what is there to blog about on a lazy Sunday afternoon like this...

well, there were the exams. which were disastrous. plain disastrous. enough said.

but there's always the sunshine after the rain, right? haha. after the exams, my mom and i went to manila, where i met up with my sister. that was the first time i ever went out of an MRT station alone. and i'm so proud of myself! haha. because my mom had to go to Chocolate Lovers, which is in Cubao, and my sister was already waiting in the Ayala station, i went out the train, up the stairs, then up the escalator, then through the machines (whatever those card-eating things are called), and out of the station all by myself! hahaha. a taste of the independence that awaits me... ;P

anyways. i met up with my sister so that we could look for my prom dress. :) di naman ako excited no? hehe. originally, i wanted something blue. my sister has this cute beaded bracelet in a really nice shade of blue, and that was exactly what i wanted. i think it was a little like █THIS█. but, as it goes, nothing i ever plan for works the way it's supposed to, so i end up with something totally different. i didn't get the long balloon gown with a petticoat, nor the serious and mature design, which i had planned wearing to that big night.

but don't get me wrong, i am sooo in love with the dress i bought. :) heeheehee. it even made me realize that i'm never gonna be able to pull the mature image off. because that's just not me. why would i want to look all grown up and lady-like, when deep inside i'm just this hyper and pacute (hehe!) little girl who doesn't even want to grow up?

and, well, just so you know, since the morning i woke up after the prom last year, i've been excited for this year's prom. haha. i've been waiting that long, so you can't blame me for all the blabber about it! haha :P

++++++++++

finally, i have finally uploaded the blogskin i promised my sister last Decemeber, last night. :) check it out. hehe.

carried away

2007-01-07T21:14:00.000+08:00

i have just finished finalizing my own version of a thesis statement for our literary criticism of Flowers for Algernon. i'm not sure though, if it would pass as a thesis statement, as i am still uncertain how ours should really look like. oh well, whatever. it's up all up to our teacher now, isn't it?

++++++++++

success! i have finished reading the first twenty chapters of El Filibusterismo, just this afternoon. :) i haven't stuck to my word though, that i am going to use our textbook. i tried, but about a couple of chapters later, i just had to give up. even after reading the same paragraph a gazillion times, i still can't understand anything! i know i never really use english in casual conversations (except for that one time while stargazing with my 12-year-old cartoonist friend. haha!), but come on, i also never read novels written in tagalog! i guess i'm really just not used to reading formal tagalog, especially a loooooong piece like this one (20 chapters?! and to think that all that was just half of the novel).

++++++++++

graduating wasn't supposed to be this miserable. i thought it was an event worthy of jumping up and down, but really, it seems everything is clouded by confusion and fear. as that grand day rises into view, everything seems to go sliding downhill. not for everyone, i suppose. but for me, it's just all seems so, well, scary.

it's exam week again this week. which means that next week, another quarter would have gone, bringing us yet another step closer to that moment. after looking forward to this event in my life for years and years before, i suddenly feel like i just want to turn back and run away. yes, i do admit it, i am scared as hell. there's just too much i'd have to let go of and move on from when i step out of highschool. time's flying, and way too fast now.

is growing up really supposed to be such a nightmare? but the thing is, it's something i can never wake up from.

"Dragonfly" and dragonflies

2007-01-06T23:09:00.000+08:00

finally! a new skin for the new year :)

i guess i was feeling all cheesy and sentimental while making this skin, which is fine by me as i have been secretly wanting something almost exactly like this. heehee ;P

if you haven't read from the sidebar yet, and if your'e not familiar with it, the words above are lyrics from the song "Dragonfly" by Spongecola. from the first time i've heard that song, i've fallen in love with it, and with dragonflies as well. which was quite a peculiar coincidence as that time, i had also been swimming through my illusions.

oh well. whatever it is about me and my illusions, i'm glad that i'm over it.

i still love "Dragonfly" and dragonflies though. :)

first post of the year! haha

2007-01-05T21:15:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, January 04, 2007, 8:36:05 PM

believe it or not, right at this moment, i'm trying to memorize this table thingy in our math book. something about the coordinates of pi over three being square root of three over two and one half, and cosine teta being x, sine being y, and tangent being y over x. i'm doing fine am i not?

hahaha. yeah, i'm suppose to be focusing on studying for tomorrow's math exercises, but anti-blog mode is just not working for me! i haven't really been in the mood to write sensible stuff lately, but that doesn't mean i haven't been wanting to post. actually, i think the main reason why i can't get msyelf to write a good enough blogpost for the new year is that i haven't uploaded a new skin yet. :( (well, i suppose you know just how addicted i am to blogskins and stuff).. as much as i would have wanted to celebrate the new year with a new feel to my blog, i haven't found time to make one during the break. i was kinda busy, i think. hahaha.

ANYWAYS. enough blahblahblah. okay. here goes.

well, HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! (no point in saying belated, it's still a new year!) my new year started out quite well, i think. aside from this annoying thing that happened as i sent out my sms greetings. oh well, as my dad said, i should take it as a compliment! haha. (what happened? someone used the PERSONAL message i sent and made it 'her' personal message and forwarded it to everyone, including me!)... see, it really upset me that i had to tell my whole family, and even you. hahaha.

so back to how my year started. as usual, i had to run inside the house whenever my dad lights those firecrackers. really, they just freak me out! when the clock struck twelve, though, i just had to stay outside. it was really fun, there were fireworks everywhere! i really enjoyed the new year celebration, but i wasn't able to eat a lot because, as shameful as i feel, i have to admit, i was feeling quite sleepy that time. but. when it was time for bed, i wasn't feeling sleepy at all and ended up falling asleep at around 4 am. by that time i was really hungry but i was the only one still up and it was all dark downstairs. haha. so i just had to sleep it all off...

now what about school... hmmm.. i went to school soooo early on the first day of classes this year, because i had left all my books in my locker and i believed we had a lot of quizzes that day. but, when i got to school (with our classroom still locked) and asked my classmates who were there already which subjects i ought to study for, they answered that there were none, really.

oh well, it just seemed like i was all psyched to go back to school again. hahaha!

what more about school? ha! i'm keeping secrets this time. no point in risking myself again with my big mouth. hahaha! hint: i'm
quite smiling all day. :)

hmmm.. what was it again?? square root of three over two and one half??

okay. really, i need to study now.

Today, January 05, 2007, 9:14:28 PM

the 'create post' page wouldn't open last night, that's why the january-4 post was delayed.

++++++++

if i finished thirty whole chapters of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in one weekend, i can surely finish the first twenty chapters of El Filibusterismo within the same time, right? right????

darn i hope i manage it. i think i've stopped reading when i reached chapter five. i did try to continue to the further chapters, but nothing ever enters my brain! i printed out an english version, which is a little easier to comprehend, but doesn't really help much. it has slight differences from the version in the textbook we're using in school, which seem to skyrocket from 'slight' to 'damn-it-does-matter-a-lot!" once we start with the discussion (we hardly ever have time for discussion though, as most days, the whole period's consumed by our teacher's looooong stories). there are some different names and some words with translations i would have never imagined, and it gets me all confused. this weekend though, i promise i'm going to finish reading chapters one to twenty, straight. and i'm going to use our textbook.

but of course, after i finish reading Shopaholic Takes Manhattan -- which i started yesterday afternoon and i believe i'll be done with before i sleep tonight. ;)

++++++++

speaking (or typing?!) of the book, i'm quite enjoying it. i'm nowhere near being a shopaholic though. truth be told, i hate shopping most of the time. weird i know, but really i do. maybe not really 'hate', but not 'love' either.

i don't really know why, but whenever there's something i've really really wanted to buy for a long time and finally have the money for it, my mind changes and i don't want it anymore. or when there are a lot of things i want but i can only choose a few, i also end up not wanting to get anything at all.

maybe it's an 'all-or-nothing' kind of mentality. in a way it's negative, but in more ways, i think it does me good.

++++++++

okay, this post is getting waaaaaay to long. that's about it for now.

P.S. you should know what it means when my hands start shaking.

++++++++

oops! oops! i almsot forgot! how can i forget?! i got great news! BULIK (our school paper!) was declared the second best school publication among all schools in the region!!!! ha! our paper won 2nd place in the 2006 CALABARZON regional schools press conference!!! woohoo!! fingers crossed for the nationals!

speechless

2006-12-27T20:45:00.000+08:00

i finally see you and i find no words to explain everything i wish to say.

memories ought to stay as they are.

let them linger in the present and they start ruining all over again what has been destroyed and painstakingly rebuilt.

++++++++

TRUTH: i don't know what to do.

~~i'm just hurting myself more with the things i do.~~

before i forget, (again)

2006-12-23T21:49:00.000+08:00

first of all, HAPPY --th BIRTHDAY ATE DIANNE :) more fabulous birthdays to come :)

second of all, JOYCIE! SWEAR HINDI KITA NAKILALA NUNG UNANG LABAS MO! :)

third of all, is the real blog post...

...
..
.

i almost went to bed without dinner. not because i was in the mood for some dramatic scene involving me walking out before the emal even starts and locking up myself in my room, or something like that. i simply FORGOT. yep, i actually forgot that i haven't eaten dinner yet.

we (me, cousins, tita's, and tito's) watched a fashion show this evening, which my cousin and my ka-sibs (joycie!) were part of. it started at around 6 pm, and ended sometime around 8 pm. we went to the supermarket afterwards for some last-minute groceries, and was finished by 9. i got home by 9:30, with all the lights of the house, except for the one on the front porch, turned off! it's not even my birthday yet, is this some kind of surprise?! but that was just wishful imagining, because when my mom opened the front door, she told me that everyone was already asleep! i checked the time just to be sure i wasn't in some sort of hallucination, and it was all real. everyone was asleep at 9:30. the next thing i know, we were upstairs already and i was turning on the computer after giving up hope that it wasn't just a dream that everyone, at 2 days before christmas, was already asleep at half past 9. then, the crucial moment! my mom suddenly asked me,

"san nga pala kayo kumain?"

and gahd was i surprised!

"oops, hindi pa pala kami kumakain?..."

so that's the story of my almost-forgotten dinner.... if not for her asking where we supposedly ate, i would have woken up tomorrow, or worse, in the middle of the night, tormented by extreme hunger. i still can't seem to grasp the fact, though, that i actually forgot. how could i??

++++++++++

this afternoon, because i had time to spare for something i had been wanting to do since goodness-knows-when.......................

i made...

my very own blend of moccha frappe :)
(with matching cream and mini moccha chips on top.. yum :) )

++++++++++

this is probably going to be my last post before Christmas, so to everyone...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! :)

book 7 title released!

2006-12-22T19:09:00.000+08:00

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS

i'm psyched!

alone and wondering

2006-12-21T20:50:00.000+08:00

are there really just four days before Christmas? why aren't there any carolers in the streets? why can't i hear my little cousins' loud voices waking me up? why isn't my family even complete for dinner?

most of this week, i had been either stuck in front of the computer, or contorting my body in weird positions trying to find a comfortable way to sit on the floor while painting the wall under my window. does that sound like Christmas? well, not to me.

it just seems so weird. we've gone Christmas shopping a couple of times, i've wrapped dozens of presents, but i still can't feel that different glow that's supposed to be felt only during the Christmas season.

where is Christmas??

this little child disguised as a troublesome teenager longs to know.

weirdos, go get a life!

2006-12-19T16:04:00.000+08:00

no single person in the universe would do well with false assumptions. whether it be you, or me. so, for the sake of the whole world who pretends to be innocent and unaware of everything which actually matters, let's all (that includes me) keep our mouths shut, and our words away from places where they ought not be found.

"I" am the only person allowed to stir up controversy and mystery in my blog. if you wish to do that, go find someplace else!

P.S. in my strange and uncomprehensible world, "weird" has a huge difference from "weirdo"... "weird" is fine, but "weirdos" are, uhmmm, whatever.

breaking my chains

2006-12-17T16:36:00.000+08:00

last night, i was thinking why i still haven't updated my blog about the looong story of the Rizal presscon and everything else after and in between. and as i was pondering over it, i realized a lot of things about my blog, what i write in it, and why i write what i write in it.

i have been through a lot of unique experiences, that i almost always write in detail in my blog. this Rizal presscon is one of them, but no matter how much i want to post the complete story here, i can't seem to finish it. then i realized that i don't really want to write about it and relive each moment of it again, i just felt obliged. i felt as if i should let everyone know about it. yes, i do want to share the experience, the tragedy i had to endure, and all the lessons i had learned. but it was only a part of me that wanted that. the other part knew that it was okay even if not everyone knows what happened to me there and how i feel about it, that i didn't really have to do something that not my whole heart was willing to do. that other part wanted to keep it all inside and just let the world be how it should. and this time, i'm letting that part of me reveal itself in all its colors and stop hiding somewhere in the dark.

i have realized that lately, i have become too conscious of what i write in here and how i write it. i have been forgetting what i'm feeling, because almost all i ever think of are what the people who read this would think. i had imprisoned myself inside walls i myself had built. i had lost the freedom i once had to something superficial.

when i made this blog, i put it in my mind that i'm writing here not to please anyone else but myself. i must have gotten lost somewhere along the way, because everything seems the other way around.

i'm changing all that now, once and for all. this is MY blog after all. i do care about what YOU have to say, but not as much as i do about what I feel. this blog wasn't supposed to be an obligation, it was supposed to set me free when i'm in chains and lift me higher when i feel free. and that's how it's gonna be from now on.

++++++

i know six shooting stars are not enough, fate is not enough. as much as i would like to believe that they are, i know better. i don't want any more chances to slip right through my fingers. i know i am of very much youth, i know i still have a lot of lessons to learn and a lot more to understand, but that doesn't mean that i should stop myself from feeling what i feel. it's there, and it's not something i can deny.

all i want is an end. you left without finishing the story you started. you had left me hanging on very loose threads, uncertain of everything you had made a part of me. i hung in there a loooong time, that i even came close to forgetting how unstable i really was. until the threads you left me tangled in finally gave up and i crashed into the ground. i crashed hard, because there was nothing down there that could have broken my fall. you didn't show up, as you PROMISED.

but i know that you're down there too, somewhere in the same ground i'm in. because you had let go of your own threads a long time ago. yours didn't have to break before you stopped holding on, you simply let go. but there were someone else who had caught you. there probably wasn't just one, because you had so easily forgotten that i could fall anytime too.

now that we both are down here, all i want is for you to end what you've started. somehow, some way, our paths will cross. they should, because that's the only way for all these to be over. and this time, i'm not standing still.

++++++

i sooo love HALE. :) too bad they didn't play Shooting Star, they felt sorry though. (we [Kit and I] told them we wish they did, and i think they said there wasn't enough time). ;) ambait ni Champ! he even tapped me in the back before we went down the stage. haha. and what i loved most (well, next to his uber beautiful voice and him being so nice and so cute!) about him this afternoon was the word FATE printed on his guitar. :)

basta, i still love HALE as much as ever. :)

six shooting stars

2006-12-15T19:11:00.000+08:00

i'm wishing.

(P.S. tinatamad ako magblog ngayon, saka na ang matinong update)
.

.

word for the day: ANTICLIMACTIC.

2006-12-10T10:05:00.000+08:00

thanks to "Seniang", who arrives at a very wrong timing, our trip to Rizal today was postponed. when i woke up, it was a text-message marathon -- spreading the news then taking it back then spreading new updates again -- which ended with the final news that we're gonna have to leave at 6 am tomorrow instead of the original 12noon-today plan.

yes, it was very anticlimactic, as all our bags are packed and ready, and so are we. however, it's not entirely bad news, since the storm seems to be quite bad and we wouldn't want to risk anything just to be there early. and good news is, we still get to say another goodbye to our classmates, and to some other people too, tomorrow. :) (nhet, sana maaga siya pumasok bukas! haha)

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do pray for us please. :) we're all hoping for the medals..... ;)

before the photos are taken and the words are written...

2006-12-09T19:21:00.000+08:00

a few days back, i was telling Rizelle how i was feeling about the Regional Press Conference. i said that the excitement i felt when we found out that we're going to Rizal seems to have faded, and i can't even understand why. and it turns out, we feel the same.

since yesterday, i've been really really weird. i don't know if it's too much excitement, or maybe too much anxiety.

well, for one thing, would you believe that i almost forgot that i needed a still camera? i woke up this morning and while i was lying in bed buried in my blankets, i suddenly remembered that i didn't have a camera yet! i do have one, but we're not allowed to use digital! so i was panicking silently while my mom called up some people... and thank God! one of our neighbors were able to lend me their camera, though we haven't told them yet that i'm returning it on Friday. i sure hope they're not gonna need it as badly as i do.

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somehow, it feels like the sadness of leaving overcomes all the excitement i should be feeling. i know it's not like we'll be gone for years, but for us, 5 days is quite long already. no homework, no gossip-filled lunchbreaks, no pigging out during recess, no after-class kwentuhans, no YM, no parents.... it's just gonna be so different there. and with our emotional goodbye's with our friends yesterday, how can we not feel sad?

we're gonna miss everyone so much! but we promise, we'll try to bring you medals for pasalubong! :D

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okay, now that i'm smiling, let's talk happy. (talk happy? haha). well, at least i'm sure that the Rizal presscon will be one hell of an experience. one week without highschool stress! and the chance to go to Baguio for nationals... okay, fine, yah, i'm still that excited. ;P

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please do pray for us. :) it would really mean a lot. :)

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P.S. CONGRATULATIONS JOANNE! i mean, Mayor Joanne! :) you're the best!!!!! :D

i'd probably doodle on my walls and not study for my quizzes after this.

2006-12-03T21:59:00.000+08:00

it feels so weird that i'm going back to school again tomorrow. the 4-day break seemed so long.

well, here are some highlights from the looong weekend.

THURSDAY.
classes suspended. superbagyo 'Reming' was expected, but it never came. despite the warnings though, we still went off to the mall. i bought a can of paint and a couple of paintbrushes for my walls :) unfortunately, i wasn't able to use any of the color combinations i was originally considering. my mom almost freaked out when i said that i wanted black on my walls. and i never thought paint was that expensive. so, we decided that i'd let the original light light light pink paint of my walls stay, and just buy another color for my doodling. i chose a shade of purple which we thought was dark enough already, but suddenly seemed so light and pale when i put it on my walls. it was still nice though, too girly again, but still nice. :)

lights went off that night, as i was painting (ha! i felt like a real painter, with 5 different kinds of painbrushes in my pocket. haha). i was really feeling it, so i went on using the light of my cellphone. with the radio inside my room and the TV downstairs turned off, the silence made me realzie that the storm was here already. and for some reason, i felt really good, painting in the dark accompanied by the winds and the rain. ;)

a few minutes later the lights went back. i knew that it's gonna go out again soon, so i decided to put off the painting for the next day, and by the time i was ready for bed, blackout's back.

FRIDAY
i woke up at 1 AM to the violent howling of the wind and the noise of the rain. i wasn't able to sleep since then, except for the few minutes i was able to drift off before being awoken again by all the disturbing sounds of the storm.

after breakfast (around 8-9 am i think), i went back to my room to continue on my masterpiece (haha! ;P), only to find out that my floor was flooded! weird though, because my windows were dry, my curtains were dry, but my floor, and everything in it, was soaked! and 'everything' includes the dummy sheet of a frontpage of a schoolpaper, that i submitted during the division schools press conference! it was inside a pink envelope, so there were pink stains all over it! my sister immedaitely hung it on my towel rack, but even now that it's already dry, the paper's still all wavy and the ink's all messed up.

the mystery about how the water came to be in my bedroom remained unsolved. life went on, though. by lunchtime, the storm was gone, but the electricity still was, too. we, again, went to the mall in the afternoon to buy some groceries. fortunately, power was back when we got home. :)

SATURDAY
my sister and i, once again, went to the mall. we were looking for slap bracelets, but unluckily for us, we didn't find any. like kids who weren't able to buy a toy they've been eyeing for months, we felt so disappointed. but like kids, too, who would be comforted out of their worst miseries by sweets, we went and bought gummy bananas and gummy worms instead. :)

we set off for manila at around lunchtime, and went straight to glorietta. went Christmas shopping for gifts for our cousins, and window shopping for ourselves. haha. the day was exhausting, but it was fun looking around toy stores.

SUNDAY
watched the first 5 episodes of season 3 of House. :) fell asleep somewhere in the middle though. haha.

i had a fried chicken-craving today, which was satisfied during dinner. :) haha. wala lang.

and... creamy kisses made my day! :)

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okay. that's all. i didn't expect this post to be this long. but well, my fingers are unstoppable. ;P
goodnight for now, i'm off to study! (or to paint)

*winks*

; )

2006-11-28T20:35:00.000+08:00

dear friends... i need your help.. :)

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this time, it's for real. the year won't end without me giving my bedroom a total makeover. the bead curtains were something of course, but there's still something missing. so, come Christmas Break, i'm working on my walls. since i've been spending most of my class hours in endless doodling, i thought i'd just go and do it on my walls instead. :)

i'm just not sure yet what color i'll be using, so here are some combinations that i've been considering. let me know what you think, please. :)

ayos ba? hehe. give me the letter of your choice na lang. please. :) heehee ;P

little miss unstoppable-talking-machine strikes again

2006-11-24T19:35:00.000+08:00

today, i made a fool of myself in front of the last person i would have wanted to look like an idiot to. i totally humiliated myself, yet again.

my mouth never realizes when it should stop talking ever so loudly and in such blissful tones (as joanne describes it). how many times have i told myself that i'm never talking again and i'm keeping everything to myself? still, i crash in the exact same spot i did the last time i forgot to look around and see who might be listening.

first time this happened, it was no big deal. now, it happens again, but to a different person. worse for me though. the first one, i could easily avoid and pretend not to exist in my insanely weird world, but this one? darn. our classrooms share the same corridor, and we even live in the same subdivision! argh.

really, i wish i could be invisible!

but since i can't, i guess i'll just go and sing "...you don't know me, you don't even care..."

hahaha. HR's we are.

and the irony continues....

2006-11-18T22:12:00.000+08:00

sometimes you expect to see the meaning of something without even looking any deeper, only to realize that one look really isn't enough. then sometimes too, you try to look beyond, believeing that somewhere deep within is the meaning you're looking for, only to find there is actually none.

i just finished reading Leaf Storm by Gabriel Garcia Marquez this afternoon. though i love reading, i admit that i'm not very much into deep stuff. you know, the type that makes your head ache from thinking too much. i'm not really very fond of formulating my own theories and searching for things other than what is laid before my eyes. laziness perhaps, or maybe just plain dumbness.

so back to the story. it ended, and, well, it just did. i don't know what i had expected, but i felt almost nothing after finishing it. you know, that feeling of fulfillment, when the questions that had been brewing up inside your head had finally been answered, when you discover the reasons why everything had happened, and that feeling that you are already a part of that story, just because you know it. so, well, i finished reading Leaf Storm and there seems to be nothing.

but i think i know why. i actually have quite a few reasons why it seems to me right now that i hadn't read the story at all. first, i only read it because we might be using it for the literary criticism we'll be doing for English class. second, i read most of it while i was in an almost depressed state. and third, i've been reading it in noisy places.

maybe that's why. or maybe, just one look really isn't enough.

then there are other things......

i used to read every quote someone texts me, and save them in my inbox for memory's sake. but these days, when i open a message from someone who texts me almost everyday and see words i know are not his, scrolling down is no option. only 'delete message' is. the words in those messages have long lost their meanings. and the only reason i receive them is because someone doesn't want to waste his limitless text-messaging capability.

'unli' is becoming a word i hate more and more with each quote i receive. sometimes, i even doubt those people read the messages they send. what sense does receving a supposedly inspirational message ending in a 'good morning greeting' at 3 in the afternoon have anyway? and what about receving the message that you sent this person a week ago? plus, there are all this 'pass to twenty people or you'll die' kind of messages. well guess what, i have ignored all of those, and surprise surprise, i'm still alive.

before, i actually believed that people who send you quotes somehow care. but these days, it's hard to. i don't mean to offend anyone who's reading this and is into all the 'unli' craze. it's just that knowing that 'wala namang masasayang na load' seems to be a pretty dumb reason to go and drop almost meaningless words on invented cellphone numbers which happen to exist.

or maybe. i'm just all irritated because i want these people to actually care, because i know that they don't. i want these people to remember you (fine, me.) not just during the time that they know they're not wasting a cent, because really, it's a nice thing to know that for someone else, you're worth way more than any deduction they'll get from their balance.

.
.
.
.
.
P.S. I just need someone to prove me WRONG in this.

irony: answer to depression.

2006-11-16T19:50:00.000+08:00

i had never imagined how ironic life could be until this afternoon. somehow, life has found a way to turn the villain who had momentarily ruined my life for the past day and a half into the superhero to which i now owe part of my life to. and weirdly enough, i meant that literally.

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right

since yesterday afternoon, i had been constantly dehydrating myself with all the tears i could possibly let out. i couldn't get myself to talk, or show even just a fake smile. i appreciated all that my friends had been trying to say to make me feel better, but i just can't tell them because i was so scared that anything i said to anyone will only make things worse. i was nearing the point of depression. i found my teachers' jokes funny, but had lost grasp of the point of laughing at all. happiness seemed so unreal, as if it were just something from a dream that i had just awoken from. i was thinking all these crazy stuff, that i had to say goodbye to the normal highschool life i used to have, that i would never be able to laugh at anyone's jokes ever again, that i would be spending the remainder of my senior year crying all day and drowning myself in all the guilt and hopelessness the world had showered upon me. all these thoughts made me distance myself from the reailty that i felt was slowly fading. i heard my classmates' voices echoing all around me, i could see them all there, with the everyday teasing and screaming and running around. but it seemed i was not there at all. i felt like a ghost. invisible. frozen. inside my disturbed head, i tried to imagine how things turned out that way. i tried to look back and wonder what grave mistake i had done to bring my life to that ultimate sinking point. i was turning into a stranger who found no meaning in painful existence.

but that lasted only until around five in the afternoon today. because just this afternoon, on my way home, the same person who had caused all my misery practically saved my life. i was too shocked by the sudden turn of events (or perhaps it was the resentment i had), that i had even forgotten to thank this person. i will not divulge any more details as my big mouth (in this case my fingers) was what got me all miserable in the first place.

but what is my point in writing all these down anyway?

for some strange reasons i know not of, after the incident this afternoon, i am suddenly back to my old self. the old me that i was just about prepared to give up in the despair that things will never return to the way they were. i was shaking as i continued on my way home, everything was a blur. but once i got home, all the negativity had seemed to clear up and i was seeing things like i used to, again. i do not know if it was this incident, or perhaps something else, that brought me back to reality and reminded me that it was wrong of me to think that i no longer deserved to live the normal happy life i once had.

i made some mistakes, i do not deny that. but that doesn't grant anyone the right to put all the blame on me, especially myself. i had probably been too hard on myself, and i was blaming me more than i can handle. i wanted to absorb all the guilt and all the pain all the people involved had, without realizing that it really just wasn't me who deserved it after all.

And life has a funny way of helping you out
when you think everything's gone wrong
and everything blows up in your face

to whatever it is that gave me a nudge and woke me up from this nightmare, i am grateful. brooding for so long over what has been done and cannot be taken back is no use. i'm done with that. tomorrow, i'm standing up to face what has been haunting me. if things go well, i can never be more relieved. if it doesn't, at least i'll know i tried.

strike 2, and i'm out.

2006-11-13T20:07:00.000+08:00

strike 2 says i quit for good. or for bad. whatever.

okay. i guess i owe you my thanks joyce. if not for you, i'd probably run out of guilt and patience and resort to doing or saying goodness-knows-what for the days to come. and surely, that's just going to pull me even farther from where i want to be.

as of the moment, i would like to believe that this is the best for us all. i have my reasons to be contented with this, and really, you should be too. i don't need to enumerate why, you'll easily figure that out once thing start going smoothly without my presence. it never did when i was there, right? you told me that too much more than often to stick it permanently inside my head.

well. i wish us luck. you with your upcoming career, and me with my friendship issues.

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strike 2 says i surrender. and i'm never trying again.

sometimes we never realize how much we hurt people with our judgments, until it comes around to us.

being judged by someone who does not even know a single truth about you is one of the worst things that could be done to you. i've been through it quite a lot of times already, but any experience does not make the next one less painful.

i was just trying to be friends with you, dear stranger. but i can't blame you. i'm no hypocrite.

i have thought about it and i realized that i do understand you. you do not know me, and i do not know you either. and for the moment, i'm quite contented watching you through the tiny windows that open up once in a while along the parallel paths our lives lead. don't worry, i'll remain INVISIBLE....

"sorry we're closed"

2006-11-11T20:31:00.000+08:00

yesterday was one hell of a day.

i slept at three in the morning and woke up at half past four. i was almost late for school, but thank goodness i made it. our one act play went well. our costumes rocked, our classroom-turned-stage looked like a real courtroom, the lead actors were great. but the whole time, i was distracted by the smoke coming from the spotlight set beside the chair i was sitting on! thankfully though, we got to turn it off before something much worse happened.

after school, we went out for band practice. third time we tried, but still no luck. we walked half a mile to the studio only to be greeted by a sign that said, "SORRY WE'RE CLOSED." dammit. they really should be sorry. the whole time we were walking i was convinced my mom was mad at me for not asking for permission earlier, and so, the moment we found out our efforts were all in vain, i immediately caught a jeepney ride home. then i took a walk from our subdivision gate, all the while preparing myself for whatever reaction my mom would give me. and when i got home, guess what? my mom wasn't mad, and she wasn't even there yet. darn.

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i love music. we all know that, right? and ever since my OPM addiction started, what i wanted more than anything else was to play bass in a band. now, i'm supposed to enjoy this right?

but now i'm facing it (and you should, too). i am not enjoying this the least bit. all the formality, all the planning, everything. plus you blaming me for everything.

all i want is to make music, and that hasn't been one of the things we've been doing lately.

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last night, i continued my One Tree Hill marathon. everyone went upstairs already, so i was all alone in the living room (i didn't mind though, i'm quite used to it). i became sleepy a couple of minutes later, and eventually fell asleep on the couch. when i woke up, the tv was still turned on, the dvd was still playing. i checked on the clock, and it was HALF PAST TWO already! and i started watching at around 10, so you know how long i had been sleeping there... good thing i woke up before sunrise, or it would be quite a surprise to my parents to find me there, still in the same clothes i wore over dinner.

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i had a haircut today. :) i had it cut quite short so that it would look stupid in a ponytail, thus forcing me to let my hair down everyday. my friends tell me i look so stressed and suplada with my hair up, and i'm on an attempt now to abandon that image. my new hairstyle makes me look pa-cute again. haha.

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thanks for the reject dude. i was just trying to be friends with you. is that a crime?

invisible.

2006-11-09T20:02:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i was feeling too guilty to feel happy knowing that tragedy is everywhere. but today, i was running around like crazy as if i were the happiest person on earth.

ironic. or is it?

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i'm chasing after dreams i know are virtually unreachable. i'm feeling guilty feeling things i know are not hurting anyone. i'm sleepy all day and wide awake all night.

does that make me insane? am i the only one?

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i laugh along with my friends, run around (literally) giddily like a little child in her dreamland of clouds and cotton candy. i seem so happy don't i?

but when i'm stuck all alone in front of this computer, which is probably the only witness to most of my miseries, i seem so distant from the real self i try to project.

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if my memory's not failing me, i remember myself to be the one always justifying the unusual actions we seemingly grade-obsessed social life-deprived highschool girls do, say for example obsessing over some fifteen-year-old-six-foot-tall-basketball-heartthrob. if i were still the exact same person i was eight months ago, i know i'd be in the frontline of this battle.

i guess i've changed, then? for i am holding the white flag in my hands right now, and i'm just about ready to raise it up for everyone to see.

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okay. i'm stopping this now. we can all just pretend i'm invisible....

everything is.